Like, myself, but a darker version of myself, sitting there, talking to a psychiatrist.
And...It wasn't me speaking but like a demon self, talking about the world
And how its so fucked up.
Its so wierd becuase I can vaguely remember the conversation.
I guess I saw...
What life is really about.
And it made complete sense.
Like...how everything is polarized, and you're forced to make only two choices, two different paths in life
There is no other path because it was formed like this.
And because of all that, you start to do shit you're not supposed to do, and you lose yourself in it.
And I saw why the most intelligent people, are so insane, so fucked up in the head.
Like Charles Manson.
Its like they all do what they do because they love to see the reaction from people.
Its like being a caged animal, and you end up eating your own leg off because you're bored and hungry and theres nothing else to this little world you're trapped in.
Forced to believe in shit thats not there, running around in fear of demons and shit thats not even touching you.
Thats why alot of intelligent people, end up killing themselves too.
Its as if they saw what life had to offer, and wasn't satisfied.
Whats the point.
Everything is a fucking illusion
nothing matters.
The shit we have today will be gone tomorrow.
But we cling to dead ideals that just don't fit our way of life anymore.
You drink to forget, you smoke to ease the pain, its all about finding some stimulant to try and distract you from all the bullshit to pursue an existance that will leave you craving for more.
Even if you do all you "want" to do, you'll still want more.
A cosmic joke, a superficial blackhole, forever consuming all in its path.
There was a time in my life, where I had everything I desired. I was content. Not because of the materials I had, but because...Something that you couldn't see, just had its hands upon my face. Keeping me blind from how horrific life is. I was content, being inside my fuckin head all the time, painting pictures in my heart, not caring if anyone saw them or not, because I created entire planets, entire futures, entire dreamscapes, entire lifetimes, inside myself. But somehow, I lost the ability to be happy. To just sit with contentment over such things. I lost it all, and I keep asking those hands how the fuck do I get back. But now, I sit here just contemplating whether or not I should just but a 9mm between my eyes and call it a night. Because nothing truly matters, nothing has value, no pursuit is worth going for. This entire life is just a breeze. Its nothing. It means nothing. There is nothing. There aren't any experiences worth undertaking. I've seen, felt, and experienced the best life had to offer. And I made the biggest mistake trying to share it with someone who was so greedy enough to leave me broken hearted. Even love has no value. I care not to live. Not for myself, or the people around me. I haven't killed myself yet because I see the tears of those who profess a love for me even as they crush me like an insect under their selfish expectations. As if I was only born into this world to serve them, to get rich and sell my soul for a career to buy them that Jaguar they always wanted. I never wanted anything. Never. And the only time I ever asked for something, It caused me the greatest trouble. I sit here, half of myself gone, as my remaining self goes off on loose tangents trying to set the world ablaze as I give all that I can to hold him back. No stimulant is great enough to contain that which is inside of me. I am fearful of the amount of damage he might cause, and other times, I wish to set him free to cause such great amounts of chaos.
There is none that truly see, nor wish to see, nor will ever be able to see what lies hidden inside of me. Most call him a blessing because they don't see his terrible face, but he is my greatest curse. In his anger does he throw me to the ground in such a torment as I try to find a peace to his heart. I see his sadness, as he feels for mine as well. And even as we lay angry at each other for our conflicting thoughts, many a night are spent arm in arm, throned to our deepest sorrows, wanting to find daylight once again, yet hating that same daylight that left us behind.
They never knew what it meant to be a lonely tormented soul, far beyond the reaches of the earthlings, staring out from the sunless celestial prison that I was kept in. I am so lost, as I remain here surrounded by his darkness, as well as my own. The light of his heart that he cannot taste, it is...a travesty to see such a pain for even a dark being to be casted off in such a way. He loved her greatly, only held back by his fear of his own self, knowing great well of the pain he could cause her. He hungered for her lips, but feared that the hunger in itself would voraciously pillage and destroy her.
Long ago, we once fought for eons upon end, even though we desired the same thing. I lay down my weapon now, trying to find sense to all that has happened. To lay beside myself, as I stare into my own abyss. I can see something in nothingness, if only everyone could picture this.
Too long have we hungered for dead ideals and performances of pontification for the credibility of self amongst a foolish mass of dead flesh. As we all sacrifice what is truly of us, to gain nothing but the sullen eyes of hollowed men.
I sigh with a true grief as I search these horrific planes of existance for the wandering flame that my heart calls for.
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