I'd rather suffer a thousand fold for love, than to halfedly smile in the allure of a thousand lies...

What a day at the park.
Hearken, hear what the distant ear could never fathom to bring near.
Far greater than the imagined universe from the source force field.
I only wish to return to all that my heart feels. From the great tsunamis of pain to even the smallest arrow dart of joy that pierces the thickened oil black that I've been usurped in for so long.


Lime fizzy makes me dizzy as I'm downing bubbly to keep my troubles on the low-low. Too high strung on the cousins chasin hoes and dough. I could never amount to objectifying a woman, or so I once believed.
What a day at the park, I never inclined myself to leave a mark, for I knew my life is but a mere hastened breath upon the cosmos. Insignificant and ignorant. And yet still that flame has not been choked of its life. Do I simply beg and await for my passing to come to my lips, to drink of death's elixir so I may pass away into an eternal comatose reaction?


My eyes fool me, or so I think. What was once so real is now so far from me. I miss seing music right before my eyes.

My social life sucks so much, that even on the net, I feel like a complete outcast. The shit is weird. Everywhere I go, I find new groups to hang with, but they're all so...interconnected, and I'm just sitting on the outside observing. None of what they say includes me, so I just sit silently, or leave.

Well, I got Guild Wars 2 yesterday, and I have the feeling I'm going to just level up my characters on my own, not really doing anything with anyone. It saddens me because I want to explore new social groups, but everyone is still stuck on this high school "Clique" system. Even in video games its evident. My only..."reliable" group of online friends, are very...negative to say the least. We're very incoherent in team games, and its all about trolling.

My planetside 2 outfit just died recently, and I don't feel like going into detail on how that game was ruined for me by other people. (Stupid attempts to get me involved with drama that I had no part in.) Even as I was pretty much one of the administrative forces in the game, It was only for in-game purposes. Someone still tried to pin some otherworldly bullshit on me. I don't know...how to really react to the massive influx of whats going on in my life. Dreams about people I want to forget, trying to apply to school and a whole bunch of dumb shit coming from that too. It seems as if stress and crap is always on my head, and I really have no way of putting it off my mind so I can rest easy for once. Sleep is something I beg for daily, but I find no rest in it. I feel like this is the hell the bible was talking about.

I'm constantly attempting to call out to God, but it feels as if I lost my voice, so it falls on deaf ears. I constantly want to admit daily that I am un-pure, unclean, and unfit for anything.

I barely have anything to say to anyone these days. Hell, I don't even write on here as much as I used to for that sole reason. Silence. Everything I wish to say means nothing, has no weight. Its only insight to a pre-existing sickness. Yet, everyone knows this. So I lay silent.

What a day at the park, as I hearken my ear to the sweet sounds flowing from the eternity of yesterday. From the dawn of the universe, to this present moment, to tomorrow and all things seen and unseen, I see the correlation of all into all and so on and so forth. Each cosmic event connected to another, winding down to each individual lifeform upon this planet, and others.

Life is amazing, and each individual matters.

I am surrounded

Surrounded by beauty even if I don't see it all the time

Surrounded by love even when I don't feel it.

And I am not alone, even when I feel lonely.

It is amazing because I thouhgt it would take alot of work to affirm this within myself.

Life is too easy.

Difficulties and oppression will always surface, but its too easy, and you overlook that in time.

It is amazing how...the universe answers the call of open hearts.

Even when I am failing before myself, I am surrounded by the flow. The flow of life itself. The living water that pour torrential rains upon my parched soul.

Dancing in the sea of nebulaic fantasy. Even though originality feels far from me.

So the cute girl from down the hall showed me a piece of her heart in the form of her blog. Its interesting to see...her. She's like a reflective mirror to my life. I see alot of my own thoughts and experiences in her words. I guess I just wish I knew what works for me like what works for her.