I'd rather suffer a thousand fold for love, than to halfedly smile in the allure of a thousand lies...

What a day at the park.
Hearken, hear what the distant ear could never fathom to bring near.
Far greater than the imagined universe from the source force field.
I only wish to return to all that my heart feels. From the great tsunamis of pain to even the smallest arrow dart of joy that pierces the thickened oil black that I've been usurped in for so long.


Lime fizzy makes me dizzy as I'm downing bubbly to keep my troubles on the low-low. Too high strung on the cousins chasin hoes and dough. I could never amount to objectifying a woman, or so I once believed.
What a day at the park, I never inclined myself to leave a mark, for I knew my life is but a mere hastened breath upon the cosmos. Insignificant and ignorant. And yet still that flame has not been choked of its life. Do I simply beg and await for my passing to come to my lips, to drink of death's elixir so I may pass away into an eternal comatose reaction?


My eyes fool me, or so I think. What was once so real is now so far from me. I miss seing music right before my eyes.

My social life sucks so much, that even on the net, I feel like a complete outcast. The shit is weird. Everywhere I go, I find new groups to hang with, but they're all so...interconnected, and I'm just sitting on the outside observing. None of what they say includes me, so I just sit silently, or leave.

Well, I got Guild Wars 2 yesterday, and I have the feeling I'm going to just level up my characters on my own, not really doing anything with anyone. It saddens me because I want to explore new social groups, but everyone is still stuck on this high school "Clique" system. Even in video games its evident. My only..."reliable" group of online friends, are very...negative to say the least. We're very incoherent in team games, and its all about trolling.

My planetside 2 outfit just died recently, and I don't feel like going into detail on how that game was ruined for me by other people. (Stupid attempts to get me involved with drama that I had no part in.) Even as I was pretty much one of the administrative forces in the game, It was only for in-game purposes. Someone still tried to pin some otherworldly bullshit on me. I don't know...how to really react to the massive influx of whats going on in my life. Dreams about people I want to forget, trying to apply to school and a whole bunch of dumb shit coming from that too. It seems as if stress and crap is always on my head, and I really have no way of putting it off my mind so I can rest easy for once. Sleep is something I beg for daily, but I find no rest in it. I feel like this is the hell the bible was talking about.

I'm constantly attempting to call out to God, but it feels as if I lost my voice, so it falls on deaf ears. I constantly want to admit daily that I am un-pure, unclean, and unfit for anything.

I barely have anything to say to anyone these days. Hell, I don't even write on here as much as I used to for that sole reason. Silence. Everything I wish to say means nothing, has no weight. Its only insight to a pre-existing sickness. Yet, everyone knows this. So I lay silent.

What a day at the park, as I hearken my ear to the sweet sounds flowing from the eternity of yesterday. From the dawn of the universe, to this present moment, to tomorrow and all things seen and unseen, I see the correlation of all into all and so on and so forth. Each cosmic event connected to another, winding down to each individual lifeform upon this planet, and others.

Life is amazing, and each individual matters.

I am surrounded

Surrounded by beauty even if I don't see it all the time

Surrounded by love even when I don't feel it.

And I am not alone, even when I feel lonely.

It is amazing because I thouhgt it would take alot of work to affirm this within myself.

Life is too easy.

Difficulties and oppression will always surface, but its too easy, and you overlook that in time.

It is amazing how...the universe answers the call of open hearts.

Even when I am failing before myself, I am surrounded by the flow. The flow of life itself. The living water that pour torrential rains upon my parched soul.

Dancing in the sea of nebulaic fantasy. Even though originality feels far from me.

So the cute girl from down the hall showed me a piece of her heart in the form of her blog. Its interesting to see...her. She's like a reflective mirror to my life. I see alot of my own thoughts and experiences in her words. I guess I just wish I knew what works for me like what works for her.

I'm an old soul, but still a young child. What a conflicting fucking way to live.

Wish I had the same passion as those around me, but too often did I see through the mock-up.
Wish I could perform the same way, but for too long did I find no worth any thing tangible.
Wish I could give to those who have none, but what all I have to offer seems but worthless.

I ain't much, and I never cared for much, or at least I tell myself I don't.
Ain't shit out there that I really want to attest myself to.
What do I live for? Nothing really. Only reason I haven't left was because of the people around me.
I don't wanna cause pain when I die, but I seem to cause too much trouble when I'm alive.
Or at least...I think I'm alive. Maybe this soulessness thats been attacking me has finally reached its goal.


In terms of the brain department, all I have is but the rehashing of old elements from re-occuring dreams of yesteryear. I'm but a blank emptied slate to the infinite white of tomorrow, and evenso, all I see is black.

Just a bit damned tired of not being able to express myself in the magnitude that I strive for. I might have to just lock myself in silence forever until I actually master the manipulation of the base energies of life where lightning bolts literally shoot out my eyesockets and shit.

A heavy sigh as I return back to the drawing board, watching the old etchings and markings dance around before my very eyes. Any attempt to perform something new is but a derivative of what was once a streaming of that chalk powder. After all is said and done, I'm but left with the sweet whispers that echo from her heart.

I am but saddened because I know I speak so much more in my stilled silence than the seemingly fantastic speech that is shown forth into this world. It amounts to nothing truly, as the living art that dwells within me is sooo much more. I only ask daily that God give me some form or some way to transcribe the pure essence of not just the greatest days of my life that he continues to bring me towards, but the menagerie of experiences and occurrences that came to fruition. Even though we were alone, I felt so sheltered from what she truly wished to say in those moonlit nights. All I see is this fear that streams from her, second guessing tomorrow.

It takes so much to even attempt to get people to understand that I am not here. And what I see, what I feel, does not take place here. What I search for daily, is not found here. Even as I simply stared at the emptied bed, her smile was so ever present. Even as I laid alone in those nights, I knew I stared up at the night sky alongside her. The heavy rains only came because tears were running down her tulip cheeks that reminds me of the endless fields of Italy in another time. That spring wonderland where my heart once resided many a lifetime ago.

I have no reason to live for myself. Nothing fills me in this void world. The only thing that brings me satisfaction is giving all that I am to one that I may call my lover. And I feel as if the one thing that keeps me from doing so is the belief that I am but the most tainted and distorted figure.

And after all of these wasteful thoughts, I only wonder if she knows, that I know, that I am not without her. That I feel her gentle caress against my skin. Her hands may be cold, but her heart is set ablaze akin to the old souls that dance before me.

The expansiveness of self relayed to the canvas of this percieved occurence.
I only await the day for the unsealing of all that I am to be painted onto this life.

The sickness a man feels when the managerie of the dwelling he once pursued for so long is destroyed before his very eyes. The love he once felt as he's throwed into the pit of silent torment amidst a seemingly endless winter.

As mere words that he wishes to throw to the walls are but jumbled garbage. Lost amidst the myriad of coding language of life, attempting to decipher and ascertain each coming and each going.  I only wish to depart entirely from whats been played before mine very eyes.

Oh my, my blog is 1100 pageviews strong. I thank you all deeply for taking time out of your day to give my thoughts a little viewing. I appreciate it x3.

"Come perform your civic duty, or go to jail! And have this useless piece of paper as a remindee of how much of your time we wasted!"

Due process my narrow ass.

Shit I write during jury duty.

First day of jury duty, drank a "bang" energy drink. Im starting to feel jittery as hell. Impatient as hell, but time is flying by. My whole denomination feels...justified? Not sure what my thoughts are. Just knowing that life is trying to throw everything I thought about myself out the window.

Not to become some religious nut, but to venture into thw fulfillment of myself. Each day a new step. Letting Him work in my favor, but I still want to just get out. To find an excuse to stel away. Even if its schooling. I want to learn, but... I don't want my supposed knowledge to cause me to not enjoy life. I don't have to be prestigious, just pave my way to do all my heart longs for.

It took love itself to fortify me. To show me that everything I thought I did so heinously wrong, wasn't so terrible to begin with. The negating insanity that occurs when a man is far from himself is beyond a disturbance to just himself. Order itself is broken on a cataclysmic wave.

The basis and source of life, infornation, harmonic thought, and such proceedings are constantly trailing me, leading me, and fulfilling me on this journey. Its interesting to see. Its always been easy. You just gotta learn to chill. Gotta learn how to think for yourself and not let menial structures torment your very essence into a remission of all that you are, in favor for a yoke and chain around thy neck.

Aside from my brain erupting into a volcanic tidal wave of thought provoking imagery, I'm feeling quite fine.

It scares me that so many people follow archtypes and stereotypes throughout their lives. I see it in people's eyes what their most innate longings truly are. Not what they wantvor desire, but what their hearts stretch forth beyond reality for.

We as individual human beings are too colorful and spread out to be labeled and archtyped. It doesnt help that our encompassing media outlets further push these mindsets and the like, on unmindful citizens.

Its difficult to simply accept all of this as such, especially as we continuously label ourselves as a progressive society. The truth is that we have degressed as we rely on such obsolete and falliable technology that doesn't even reap the full potential of harmful, and limited resources all for the sake of profit of those whom are in control of the many falsities of our livelihood.

I find it fun watching this buraeucratic dance of bullshit twirl around in my face as overpaid lawyers tout around misconstruing facts and logic to waste the time of the american people in this broken judicial system. Welp, its 2 minutes before the actual hearing, I hope they prove me wrong.

Its now 2:11, I fell asleep in my seat. Apparently, they couldn't find the defendant. Bitch, these people better take me off their list TONIGHT. Judicial system at work man.

Its so easy to love her, Im always staring at that bright smile and piercing eyes. Those sweet plump cheeks reminisxent of springtime plums. I still trip over the idea that Im in love withthe idea of her...But, I know there will never be a woman like her. Maybe my mind was misconstrued before, but now I can see a little clearer. I wonder if its too late.

Staring at social media all day makes my brain hurt. Everyone portraying a facet of nothingness to appear larger than life. It causes me to give myself many self-reflections to see if all my steps were wring or right. Too many labels and archtypical lifestyles. I guess thats why I love the oxy-moronical moniker "techno-hippie". Peace, love, ingenuity, progress.

I never thought I was free, but theres a sense of freedom in knowinh certain things. But still, I hunger for more. Not for what my eyes can see, but what is already lying in dormant sleep within me.

They were right. Freedom is simply a way of life. A daily practice to bathe in love and sunlight. Music that fits my life always finds its way to my deprived ears. Each passing moment feels like a carefully scripted movie. To most, this would be frightening. But to me, I welcome it. Theres a new sun, a dawn coming forth from its winter hibernation. I love it.

I only wish to stand beside myself in this silver dream.