Listening to the Maplestory soundtrack, remembering all the times I had as a kid playing free to play games and having fun with all the people I met. All of them so dear to me. I feel so sad now because I know I'll never have great experiences like that. The internet, online-communities, and gaming communities have become so diverse, hateful, spiteful, and god-awful. No one is willing to share such great and intense friendships that are so close and dear to the heart as we used to. I felt as if I was sucked into another world just hanging out with my friends that didn't feel so far as everyone else thought they were.

For a very long time, my best friends were always on the computer. I never had a reason to really go outside and explore the world around me. Everything feels as if its gone to shit. The games I used to play have been destroyed or changed dramatically to bring in more players. When I was younger, games felt like they were catered to the gamer, not the consumer. Now everything is focused on the "Casual gamer" and their hipster bullshit. My reason for playing retro games is not for the nostalgia, but for the experience they offer compared to the gritty near-realistic shit we have today. There were entire worlds created for me to enjoy and experience. And they were much more skill-based. I can barely play any of those old SNES games because of how much I've been dumbed-down by modern games. I feel as if my mental capacity has been reduced. Maybe I should play some more Brood War.

I guess I'm being forced to realize that I do have to go outside and explore "The Real World"

"BUT ITZ DANGEROUZ"

No, thats not my argument. My argument is the fact that everyone has turned into a gray mush of puddingfuck and catastrophic mind-boggling insanity. There are very few people that I've come across that have a flavor to themselves. And by god, I had to use the internet to find them.

Just because I live in Miami, everyone tells me to go to the club. To try and jam to music I don't like, surrounded by people I can't stand, trying my best to just enjoy the night. So many people take my comments as being elitist or "IM BETTER THAN THESE PEOPLE." Yer goddamned right I'm better than what they choose to do, not who they are as people. I love myself too much to put myself into that type of situation to degrade myself. Grinding myself against a random girl I have never met before does not bring me joy. It feels wrong. "BUH GWEG. WHAT ABOUT THAT WHOLE LISTA OTHA SHIT U BE DOIN."

Bitch, fuck you. I do what I want. If I want to go have a couple drinks at a jazz club and listen to people recite bullshit poetry, then lemme do me. I've been through the whole phase of trying to change people and shit. Fuck man, I get so tired of complaining and not being able to just do what I want to do. Matter of fact, I don't even know what I want to do. In short term or long term goals. I have none. Don't really care for anything. All I got are these dreams, trying to chase after a fairytale that I know ain't real.

Its days like these that make you just want to throw everything at the wall, do all the drugs you can find, and hope to God you make it to heaven as you lay down in your death bed. What more is there to this life? Do I just run after the status quo? I only feel good staring at art. Being able to see into the mind of someone else, to see the complex structures they create, the colorful worlds that contrast so greatly from this one we live in. But games today are like a wake-up call to show us how fucked up our lives are. How un-colorful, boring, violent, and shitty this life is.

What can we do to change it? How do we fix it?

I had so many friends and people tell me that I'm the problem. I'm the center of it, complaining.

I wonder how deaf they were, because they seem to not remember me asking 24/7 "How do we fix it...What can I do to make a difference. How do I be happy. Do I accept the bullshit around me? Or do I change it? And if I want to change it, how do I?"

Its gonna take much more than shitty charity organizations that steal money to fix this world.