I have heard men say that life is a wave. You have your crests and tresses.
As you are at your apex, know that there is always a possibility of downfall.
But accept that pitfall with open arms, for it is a lesson in itself.
Hold onto nothing for everything shall be done away with.
Only love is eternal.

I urge you not to question the falliability of eternity. I urge you greatly not to confound yourself to believe purity is non-existant amongst thine bretheren. Ye are the gods, as well as the devils. Only you as the individual have the choice. Wether you save a life, or take one, someone will always hate you regardless.
So why do what is against your soul? Why do what harms your body? Why defile your hearts?

I am not a brash individual. I am not a man pertaining to the expectations of a rampaging bull as those who would desire me to be.

The tenderness of mine soul causes me to looked down upon as a fool.
I care for naught but the sweetness of a lover's embrace tilled unto the eternal fields that we once slept in.

We arose as strangers.
Fell asleep as enemies.
Awoke as friends
Just to lie asleep in each other's arms.

"Til death do us part"
Or so it is said.
My love for you is eternal,
And I shall lay my gaze upon thine eye soon enough.

There are these moemnts when I feel her kiss as she's cradled up against me in my arms. Kiss after kiss after kiss. Falling deeper into our paradise that we share. If only I knew where she is in this life. As her hands flow over me like liquid gold, she clasps onto me with both arms. Her desire for me grows daily. I still wonder if she hears my call. For I hear hers greatly.

Theres an anger brewing within, and theres an anger surrounding me. The anger within wishes for a cease and desist against all that simply isn't. The anger surrounding me is the self-denial from those around me.

Polarities and Dualities everywhere. That ain't life.

Damn. Now niggas tryna devoid themselves of emotions and shit. Like...Thats not healthy sir.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses
your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its
heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the
daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem
less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons that
pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the
winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within
you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy
in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by
the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has
been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has
moistened with His own sacred tears. 

-Khalil Gibran

Nigga, don't throw away pain.

I remember when people said I wasn't christian because I wasn't happy.

I remember when people said God wasn't with me because I wasn't satsified with life.

I remember when people said I was covered with demons because I had anger written on my face

But because I suffered, and because I suffer, I saw eye to eye what my father felt for each one of his children. I was brought lowly in my pains to come closer to the love my father had for all of us. Even to those who oppress us, for they go around aimlessly in a world devoid of love.

How the hell am I supposed to be satisfied in the comforts of my life when there are people around me that suffer? You say count your blessings and be thankful I do not suffer like them, but I am with them. My heart is near the children who have lost their mothers and fathers. My heart suffers along with those who are far lofted from the truth of life. My heart suffers along with those who do not have the ears to hear the loving voice that flows so freely through the winds. If I am to be anything, I only wish to be the catalyst so that Love itself may flow so freely through this hateful world. I wish for naught else. My heart longs for the fulfilling of everyone. 

I am surrounded by death. A chosen deadness layed upon due to those who do not follow their hearts playing. Who the hell thinks it is right to do what is contrary to what the heart calls for? For so long we were taught the heart is the source of all evil. God dammit, I'm tired of that thinking. Have you people ever asked your heart what it really felt? Have you asked your bodies what it really desires? You think it wants to fuck bitches all day? Or do you think it wants to be free? What is freedom but bathing in that lake of fire and passion, having this life dulled away as ye nestle yourselves to the bosom of life?

Im angry.

Just a question...We speak so much about not aligning ourselves towards God and his desires. What happens when all we desired was the betterment of mankind as a whole? What if all we desired was to attune ourselves to unlimited truth to begin with? I recall the days hearing the voice of the one who guides me so easily. Going to and fro through life without worry, and not having to ask for a single thing. Everything came with ease. Maybe its just me and foolish thinking trying to put myself away from love itself, or maybe its me trying too hard to appease to others. As soon as the thought of me not serving my God well enough because of what everyone else said about me, I became so far from him. From then on, I felt as if I had to verify myself daily in his eyes, or those around me. If I spoke to those I considered close at hte time about it, they'd say it was pride and jealousy. I guess it was that. But at the same time, I always had an issue with people not recognizing the smallest to the greatest efforts I made in my life on an internal level. Having to change middle schools and my mom calling me a retard hurt quite a bit. Especially since I was coked up on antidepressant meds and it being her decision. But anyways, it just bothers me how...the things concerning faith have no longer followed being in the stillness of self, and have become a tradition of proclamation. It just bothers the shit out of me. Not because its that no one wants to hear it, but I think God hears us much more when we don't say a goddamned thing because a quiet heart speaks much more than open mouths.
OH AND ONE MOOOOORE THING. Ever notice how alot of modern churches use alot of pagan and eastern rituals? Especially the Kundalini mindsets. Look man, I don't like that new age shit. I don't like all this "5th dimensional thinking" shit. Iunno. I stay away from shit that takes people up like its a storm. I can't help but think its brainwash. Follow the lore of thine heart, follow the lore of infinitude. Follow what cannot be spoken of. Not because of its complexity or any foolishness, but because its a sin to even speak of it. Its a sin because words cannot attest to the truth of infinity. Its sooooo farrr out there. But god dammit, thats where we belong. Stop saying we can't reach it. Stop saying you aren't worthy. Only God himself will say you're worthy. Only your heart will say that. Everything else is this bullshit world. I hate that. I hate it so much.

I honestly believe that there is such a huge misconception on who and what God truly is. We go on so far as by what tradition tells us. And even then, those who claim they are parted from religion and follow Christ and the like, still pertain to traditions and so on. I think niggas just forget to go outside and sit in the sun for 5 minutes and shit.

I also wonder why people are so quick to state their beliefs on something as if to verify what they believe. As if they don't have a firmness in theirselves. I'm in a chat room, and this person said how her friends grandfather died, and her stepsister was giving birth on the same day. I personally thought it was the perfect example of the circle of life. Her and her friend decided to just throw it out there that they don't believe in an afterlife and all that shit. I wanted to say "BITCH DID I ASK YOU?!" But...I'm tryna be a good person and shit. I know normal people would be all "OKAY COOL" BUt I don't go around saying "NIGGA I BELEE IN JEEBUZ NIGGA. I SEE DEM ANGULZ ERRWURR." I know there is a time and a place for every damn thing. A nigga ain't even say shit about God or no afterlife ._.

Runaway love. I see the beautiful eyes I'm chasing after. As her heart hungers for mine, I feel her kiss against my starved lips. She is nearer than ever before, I feel it. I feel it in the changing seasons. Some insane things are going to take place.

Comments a make me dance :I

I wrote this wihle durnk #3

With every "new" word that I speak, I speak nothingness and wasted words when I speak of this infinitude. When they know not what I speak of, I cry for them. I cry ever so dearly when all I wish to do is hold them tightly in my bear paws, and kiss their tear-laden cheeks. To show them the pain they endure is no longer. I'd gladly carry the weight of the world on these wings of mine. As a man of love itself, I do nothing else. It is the live I've chosen. In life, you choose your pains and your joys long before you experience them. I simply echo nothing but those who have came before me. I am them. They were my food day in and day out as a young child, inspiring me of things that I knew were to come. What do I hope for? What is hope? I hope for nothing for I know what is to come. Why would I waste my time in doubt knowing  the good golden honey that is to wash over the canvas of my paintings in a newfound happiness no one has ever seen? They'll call me mad for I know nothing but endless love. That is all I've felt, and all I'll ever feel.

I wrote this while drunk #2

What more could I ask but for the unsealing of the everflowing waters of my love for you? What can I tell you that many poets have spoken of many eons before? I speak nothing but broken glass and fragments that foolish man parades themselves upon. I want to give you the fruits thereof my tears for you. The tears of my joy and pain be my food as I flourish before you my love, my peace, my forever. What more could I give you than the fullness of my eternity? That is all that I am. I care not for these things of the world. They give me no joy. And if I ever did enjoy them, it is because of the love I felt for those behind the walls that I ever so tried to breach. I cannot stand this existence as I try to speak to those who die before me. Who throw the truth of their existence before men to taunt them into a life of nothingness. I am sickened. Truly… As it feels wonderful to finally be able to unseal my hands and write once more, I feel nothingness as I simply repeat the same words as I said as a child, yet more “refined”. I care not. I never cared. I only loved.

I wrote this while drunk #1

As I sit here drunken in my own pain of things unknown to anyone but the love that resides in me, I wonder...I wonder if the love that flourishes from the vessels within me will ever reach the ones I call out to. I wonder if she still feels the same or wants to run from me. I don't blame her. Sometimes I want to tell the world to let me die as I sip from the alcohol so close to my blood laden fingertips. I miss you more than words could ever explain. My heart yearns for yesteryear. Of the hunger I once felt to lust and love for you. When I could no longer go a day without singing to your heart. I go days without hearing from you now. All I ever wanted to do was love you. The world thinks the worst out of me when I just want to unseal the dreams I've had of everyone, especially of the love that yearns for you. What more could I ask for? What more could I desire than to lay cradled unto your breast? Unto the hidden love that resides in me and you? I miss my youth when my hunger and my pain were my food. These days are void of both. I'd rather live with this hunger in my vessels than to live like this, completely devoid of any joy and pain. What I live is more painful than any pain itself. When the world looks at me, they can't understand, so they label and downplay everything about me thinking I don't know the depths of their hearts. What they truly lust and strive for. My people are dead and I cannot revive them. What a shameful existance I thrive in when the world hates me when I just want to love them like no man could. I want to run back to my childhood where I could lay in your arms, distance aside. What more could a man ask for than this love for his forevermore?! WHAT MORE COULD I ASK FOR?! WHAT FUCKING MORE COULD I EVER WANT FROM YOU OR ANYONE ELSE?! WHAT COULD I ASK FROM THOSE WHO CANNOT GIVE?! FOR GIVING IS RECEIVING IN ITSELF! THEY CARE NOT FOR ANYTHING BUT THEIR OWN SELF GAIN! I care not for these temporary thing that shall come and go like a summer breath of yesteryear. But I long for  those breaths to hold you in my arms furthermore.

I have a little treat for you guys. Three entries I've written while drunk off whiskey one night. I'll be posting those next XD. AND YES, I WAS DRUNK AS ALL HELL. Ask @QuezRoe on twitter.

I love how each note becomes a paintstroke in my heart. Its...so wonderful to see this again.

As I wonder through the desolate forest, devoid of the love I once felt, I feel the embrace of the surrounding trees, curtailing the tears laced upon my cheek, I see nothing but the face of the woman who my heart drearily sought out. Each passing moment is a death upon my very essence as I spend them without her cradled next to my heart. Oh how my life sings for her embrace once again as death's freezing touch glances upon my shoulder. My life be only meaningful when the waters of her heart shew forth in unrelenting force upon me. I am but a dirtied vagrant, who hungers to be washed in love's river once again. Nothing can console the retreatment of myself into this abyss. I only wished to share what little I had left in that dream-like state, flying amongst the aether trees in a far ofted realm. Have I suffered enough, or must I endure a thousand-fold of this seemingly eternal pain? Good morning, good evening, where art thou my sweet lifeless dove? Have you fallen beneath the tresses of this forgetful life? Or have you soared far beyond the reaches of all that is of un-worth? The reaping of all that is worthwhile is when I am able to taste of your kiss, to cry endlessly in your arms as I release the winter's grasp upon my frozen lake. As I sit here, watching the daylight's light touch pass me by, I find it unfulfilling as I wish to devour its energy whole. I am but emptied before you with endless tears, in full regret that I have given all that I could, and have naught else to proceed forth with. There be naught a heart likened unto the one pinned before mine eye. The forever is what I am entailed to give unto thee, but... I am not one deserving of such an undertaking towards any soul.

Flowing through my mind as if she were sweet sound waves, filling me full of desires. Craving to stare deeply into her eyes, so that we may communicate without words. Spilling my life story, full of pain and misery unto her. Understanding, she wraps her arms around me tightly. Sweet bliss rains upon my brow, feeling her love encircle me. Soul was lifted as if John Legend was singing in my ears. An out of body experience, A soulful connection between her and I.

Out of a thousand broken hearts, and a million broken spirits, God has set her in my life. Healing my festering wounds with gentle touch, and simple thoughts of love. The way she dances through my mind, always lingering. Hopefully she'll never leave the safe haven I have within me. To most, we seem so distant from each other. In reality, we're entagled into a beautiful product of friendship, beauty, and pure love.

I so long for her wonderous hands, her sweet lavish lips. It'd be a true blessing to claim her as mine. A true blessing sent from the heavens down to Earth. To call her friend, is a priveledge. To call her lover, are my dreams phasing into reality.

I really don't want to repost all of my stuff from my old ass website from middle school, so I'll just link it to you all. Its a compilation of things I've written since I was about 13. I didn't date them for some reason. But...Its all in chronological order.

www.freewebs.com/redbigdaddy2.

And by request, I should be posting alot more tonight. I'd also suggest reading my long ass "essay" I posted like a day or two ago.

Endure.

You'll see it.

You feel that fire.

That pulsating honey.

You hear the lingering voice that causes fear and doubt because only you think you hear it.

What does it tell you?

Do say what it fills your heart with.

Sweet wine-filled kisses in the dawns early light.

Holy shit, my lil broski knows how to use proxies ._.

The wyverns dance. Can't you see the music? Or do you just hear it? Do you experience the life behind it? Or do you just move to the rhythm? Seems as if there is an entire lifetime behind each song that truly carries love and life along with it. Do you hear each underlining bass tone hidden behind the folds? Search seeking not just one thing, but search seeking everything. See how its all connected. Each dot intertwined with another happening.

I remember the days of playing Call of Duty 1 on PC, and jamming super hard to Chamillionaire while whoopin niggas asses with the BAR. That Sound of Revenge album...Oh my lord XD

Errbody tryna be Rick Ross.
Errbody tryna get throw'd off.
Errbody tryna blow haze.
Errbody wanna get on Nickay.

But nobody wants to be themselves.
We listen way too much to the negative portrayals that surround us.
We think selling our souls is speaking to the devil.
Selling your soul is a forfeit in all that you are.
Who you truly are resides in the vastness of uniting yourself with everything around you.
Knowing yourself is knowing you have no limits.
You have a choice wether to be a product of your environment, or a product of your own imagination.
Your dreams mean much more than what you see in everyday life.
This shit ain't real.
All this trivial bullshit ain't real. Its only real to the people that choose that life.

The folder I keep all my poetry, gimp drawing and other stuff is called "Accumulation of the expressions of self and colloquials thereof." I li- Fuck. Thats a kickass title.

Fuck it, Imma change my blog's name to that XD

I truly encourage all who read this blog to give open comments. I want to treat this like a forum of sorts. I want to hear your opinions on the things I talk about. Your input means the world to me.

I was awakened by a sweet kiss and a warm hug by someone. I heard what this sweet voice had to say to me. I only wonder who was on the other side of this glass wall we call "reality". I awaited for so long for someone to decode and see into my eyes. To see all that I am, all that I was, and all that I will be. To see what I do know, and what I don't know.

Besides all that, jamming to the Mechwarrior 3 - Pirate's Moon soundtrack. I can't help but remember at the start of every mission sortie how the mech would startup. "Reactor online. Sensors online. Weapons online. All systems nominal." That shit...along with the whirr of the reactors starting up made me just jiggle with giddy white boy joy. Man...

And I still feel that person near me. I also felt alot of people reading my stuff before I woke up. I heard each song play that I attuned each writing to. And how the words read were played to a certain song. I thought it was a wonderful experience. Its truly wonderful to know that people read all this stuff.

Today I think will be an interesting day. Music, listening to my little bro rant and play a broken guitar, and a couple of open beta tests on some new games.

A heavy sigh, sleepy-eyed, I attest to this sweetly aroma'd chamomile and mint tea. Hopefully this shit puts me to sleep. Dammit, its 6 AM.

Tis all vain sayings. Much more is spoken in the mere sighs of a love-stricken heart than words could ever amount to. My breadth exhales life itself unto the canvas of this happening. A mere thought is much more valued than the proceedings therewith to free such a thing through physical mediums. Love is much more. And there is much more than what we deem is love. It is above. Far above. Far outside.

"Above the crowds above the cloudswhere the sounds are originalinfinite skills create miracleswarrior spiritualAbove the clouds raining downHoldin it down" -Guru

A proclomation of sorts.

Out of a thousand voices, a trillion whispers, theres only one that truly confounds me in my spirit. One that causes my wails and forgotten pains to cease, even for a minute. One that causes the forever to happen upon me in a single moment. A fire that burns voraciously within my bosom. Many others have spoken to me, telling me to look behind me. As I've turned I've seen nothing but voids of yesterday's mishaps, believings in nothingness itself. A primordial soup of disgust, chaos, and melancholy behavior. Yet all I can see is this veil that has been driven into my eyes of what I truly saw in my night's slumber. Dreams of places I have not visited to, yet have felt like home. Trees towering far above my imagination, with fruit the size of mine cranium. Dreams of flying far beyond the clouds, soaring into the ether realities of another realm. There is nothing that can withstain this hunger that has become my fuel. Nothing can replace even the sweetest nights in these dreamlands. Each dawn is a curse upon my troubled self as I walk through the plains, detailing of the sights from the night before, to those who care not for what my heart entails to. The forever love I felt within me, with an uplifting breeze towards heights far beyond the comprehension of man, angel, or any thing but infinitude itself. What I've seen, felt, and have experienced, is far beyond heaven, far beyond any possible explanation. It wasn't a dimension, it is complete seperate from the faculties thereof to this foolish happening. In one night, I saw the entirety of the universe at its dawning climax. The explosion that brought forth light, thought, existance, love, matter, energy, everything, was enough to put anyone in a catatonic state. I heard the very trumpets sound off as this reality was birthed into existance. I heard a voice boom from within that superheated core as it stormed off in two directions. Space, and time, intertwined in a marriage beyond our understanding. I have seen the fabric of life as it has become intertwined with all those I have happened across, and those whose faces my eyes haven't graced upon.


This reality, this falsified blight upon the souls of mankind, is but a resounding cosmic joke to those who truly live. I care not for anything, but for what money cannot possibly ascertain. My hunger is for what my mouth cannot bring to fruition into this long journey. Even as my life is but a breath in the cosmic winds, my breath brings forth much more than any dying word amongst the sordid hearts of lovers melded to an un-existance, living far from themselves. Even as I speak of what seems to be a multitude of things, there is a gnawing of my heart, seeking to rid me of what I wish to have given for so long. To speak of how, not what. How to abstain from a diminshed life, to see far beyond the veils of words and simplistic imagery. So many seek to ascertain titles as a means to determine self worth, but this is but a known fact in life. Many seek to epitomze themselves as leaders, yet will not follow the waking waters of roads paved in love. Many seek to be leaders, yet their minds are far lofted from truth, unbeknownst to them, that they blindly lead the blind to their own morbid hollowed portrayals of nothing.


Many have come before me, speaking to the life within myself, telling me of loves  wings. I have seen the faces of the living. Even as their bodies decompose as we speak, they are much more alive today, than of yesterday's midsummer madness. Those of old, have always spoken so freely to the lost souls of today's carpathian element. Drained slaves, slouched in front of their masters, clinging onto every empty speech and word. Their gods, with their sins tattooed upon their very souls, purging them of every sweet drop of purity right from the lungs of these deluded flesh clumps. So many have been reduced to comical caricatures of their true dwellings. Tis the most horrific occurence for a man to lose all that he is, in favor of the physicality. Losing the eternal, for complacent thoughts from the ascertaining of nothingness. These things shall come and go, speaks the echoes of many hearts that have come to you. These echoes have resounded long before even the dawns of great civilizations, detailing the foreverlasting truth of what love is.


I reminisce many dreams of a beautiful maiden dancing amongst the endless stilled waters of a forgotten sea. She poignantly pranced within inches of the waters, so freely and in complete bliss. She was arraigned with fabric sewn by the freedom clouds. Dark hair that stretched forth to the horizons, a face of beauty that cannot be found in any dimension, nor realm, nor thought, nor humane imaginatory place. Not even the heavens themselves could contain such a beautiful vision, and I've seen the doorsteps to the ether clouds. I've seen the throne of the mighty lover. I've seen the feet of love itself, as I kneeled before his immensive presence. I did not come on my own accord, but was invited to sit near my father. I hunger naught for this life, but simply for my father to lay his eyes upon my soul once again. He need not spake, nor move, but simply have eye to all that I am. I am likened unto a savage beast, roaming the lands for his next meal. But evenso, I only wish to drink of the free-flowing honey of life itself. What does the fruit of life entail? Gains that your hands can experience? Bah, let not contorted remarks discredit what is already placed upon thine lips. For all that you seek, is already hidden deep within the threads of your breath, you just choose not to see what is been here forever.


A woman's love can do more than part the seas of misery. As ye rest thine head against thy lover's bosom, hear the resounding drum of the roots of life.

My fellows, my words are all in vain. Those that we deem the greatest, whisper in the winds not to regard them, not to listen, yet they beg in our favor to the one that holds us in the eternity. And if anything, take not their words, but the waters of the depths that flowed so feverishly through the cracks of the shells from their lives. Breathe in and leave behind all that did not matter. Worry not for symbollic messages hidden in images and the like, for nothing can triumph against love. Nothing. If it does overcome, it was not of the infinitude. Find without seeking, for there is no reason to seek. All that life offers is yours freely. It is freely given. For what is not freely given, is not worth partaking. Define yourself not by what you are capable of, as a matter of fact, define not at all. Leave that to those of cerebral life. Continue on in the induldgence of heart-felt matters and what love brings thereof. Seek thine own depths. What men deem is matters beyond comprehension, is only common sense. Things of the "spiritual" sense are only common sense. Speak newly so that ye shall bring forth a new world. Isn't that just but basic common sense? How dare we allow ourselves to bathe in the entrails of a deadened horse and not see the beautiful forest clearing that surrounds us? What good does it do that we bathe in the dead acts of men and not see the light that bathes us?


Those we deem the greatest are not far from us at all. Even those whose spirits are free'r than the night sky, I have partaken in their highest points, and their lowest. I am but the infinitude, as ye all are as well. For we bear together in triumph, and in pain. We are those that give great wounds to ourselves, and we are those that bring the healing ointments upon famished skin and tongue. Bound together in nothing but love, and nothing shall prosper against thee. Nothing shall come across ye as an enemy. For even thine adversary shall lie down his sword in tear and agony and beg for thine forgiveness, for in hope, they shall see the truth in eternity. Forgiveness is your greatest weapon. Your greatest shield is love. All else matters not. Life, love, and all else, are but one. They are a resounding metaphor whose tail stretches to the far reaches of the universe, the dimensions thereof, beyond the veils, and to the infinitely small particles and base energies that confound our physical realm. Join in the eternal songs of what truly moves. Sit in thyself and see movement. See the threads of life surround its jaws upon victory's neck.


What men deem as "Chaos magicks" are simply the manipulation of the most tender energies of this reality by the will of it. That is the magic behind the human anima. That is the power that lies within all of us. "I think, therefor, I am.". I will it, so shall it be. My fellows, please will yourselves towards the greater that lives inside thineself. Even the most tedious and towering objectives could be conquered in a mere morn if ye so wish. The heart is able to perform much more than what the hands and mind could ever conceive. But because of the over-medicated and superficial devices of today's encompassing miasma of insanity, we have fallen far from our paths. Arise those that have chosen nothingness. See the truth of the warped void ye take part of. See the cursed bread that feeds the maggots upon your lying tongues. Abod from the physical, see fully the life embedded upon thine threads. It is meant for you. You deserve it fully for the sole fact that you are a child of infinity.


As true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder of all lives, look at your life through heaven's eyes. No such thing shall ever compromise the true worth hidden deep beneath the folds of thine heart.


There is a plane far beyond the confines of self, where all souls come to frollick and meet. Some come to dance above the waters, intertwined amongst themselves in helix forms, others drown beneath the depths of the seas of love. To those who have been blinded of this heaven, the lovers seem to have lost the flame of life in their tranced state, but watch as the rolling tides posess the limbs of lovers, forcing them against all impossibility to forgo the release of all that tenderness. Their hands gently caressing against a lover's cheeks, a kiss moved by love's progressive motions.

The sun dont even shine bright like it used to. When youre first introduced to this world, everything is colorful. When you grow up, that illusion fades.

Stressed the fuck out. I aint smoke in months. Got two black n milds, and Mos Def in both ears. I pray to God he takes this pain off my back.

So I made a huge mistake at attempting to make two adsense accounts by accident. Now I'm permanently disbarred from using Adsense on my google accounts. Well I guess I have to muster up the strength to go to MDC tomorrow and submit this application for the IT program. Not that its something I really want to do, but my parents are backing me into a corner and I have no choice. Each passing moment, I'm feeling less and less of myself. Emotionless almost. Its as if something is just sapping everything away from me, and I'm left iwth nothing but broken memories and dreams that I can't readily understand. All I really have is this huge gray area of not knowing anything. It should be liberating according to the "Great spiritual leaders" and all that, but its a prison for me. I want life to give me something to work with so I can usurp my life into that one thing and be able to pioneer something. Not just for myself, but for everyone. But I feel as if its an unrealistic standard that everyone around me expects me to live up to. I know alot of people will disagree with that statement, but its true. Alot of friends have told me time and time again that I should write a book, but I have nothing really to say. Alot of others have told me I should start my own religion, but that would be a complete annihilation of myself.

There...really is no one to blame but myself for all this. I see now more than ever how I've not only become the villain I tried so hard not to become, but how I was always the wrong one. I tried so hard to run from this realization with a myriad of lies, thinking I was doing so much for everyone else, when it feels as if I stole so much from those I held dear. The doing away with all that I am felt like it was the only measure that could cure the disease I laid to this world. I am afraid to speak of whats really on my mind, because I don't wish to scare anyone.

I remember the night I almost drowned in that lagoon at the party. I remember as I was clammering up to try and get my head above water. And I remember sinking down one final time, accepting death. Accepting that I wouldn't meet half the people I "should" have in this lifetime. I accepted that I wouldn't be able to see the one I loved. I accepted that...maybe it was right for me to pass away. That my death might bring some peace to those around me. It was a peaceful state. Probably the most peace I've ever had in my entire life, just accepting those last moments. Then I saw the woman I loved crying at my funeral in a black dress. That one powerful image was enough to propel me above the water, and scream for help. Call me a wuss, a sissy, a bitch, or anything if you want to, but a girl half my size was able to help me to the shorelined edge. Another friend of mine caught on quick and was able to help her drag me to there as well. I had to hang onto the edge for about a good 10-20 minutes because my arms and legs were completely locked up in cramps. I couldn't move at all.

Its weird looking back on it, because the more I see my life now, the more I think I broke the universe. The more I think I should've died that night. I should be taking my life much more seriously, doing all the things I love, but there is really nothing I care for. Each day is spent trying to reach for an idea, trying to ascertain what the fuck I should do, but nothing comes to fruition. Each day is a battle, fighting myself. Fighting this loneliness that I've endured for far too long. But I'm from another universe, another time. I feel subhuman, sub par around others. Even amongst friends do I feel as if I'm stranded on one of pluto's moons with nothing but a blanket and a telescope, watching the world pass me by in its beautiful dance.

Each day I wish to cry, but the tears only rest upon the tresses. What type of singularity have I become?

The moonlight sonata. My definition? Staring into the eyes of Le Claire de Lune, dancing above the waters of a forested stream, running wildly through the speaking trees that greet us with smiles and applause.

Nothing causes me to fly as much as the thought of enveloping her in a tight embrace submerged beneath winter's gaze, and drowning under the summer's heatwaves. My eyes are hostages to the darkness unless she paints upon the canvas of my life once again. Each morning I see her hands grace across the spacious skies bringing in the beautiful dawn.  I am empty and filled with the bulletholes of tomorrow's expectations as I attempt to ascertain what lies beneath these vain happenings.

Who here believes in the aether planes of the never-ending fortitudes resounding from the toroidal flows of the heart?

Welp, time to totally delete my torrent programs and shit. Thanks FCC. Thanks for fucking up my whole life.

Someone please tell me if theres any other ISPs in Florida available other than Comcast and AT&T? I have this huge thing against conglomerate corporate assholes and their vaccuum pockets.

A rambling of sorts. Take it as you please.

So theres this ongoing trend thats been disturbing me quite a bit recently the more I look into it. Its the rise of alot of neo-paganist thought, alot of xenophobic tendencies, and so on and so forth. Its just disturbing to see such a sharp incline in many different trends such as this one. For some reason I feel as if theres some huge social experiment going on to see how easy it is to manipulate people pertaining to their emotional states. I remember logging into facebook one morning seeing my entire news feed clustered by Kony 2012 propaganda. Initially, it already set off a shitton of false alarms regarding the entire event. I felt that everyone was jumping onto a bandwagon for the sole sake of satiating their egos. It was weird seeing that thing blow into a wildfire. The only question that came to my mind was "Did anyone actually perform any research pertaining to this incident?"  After some research, reading some articles and so on and so forth, I came to the conclusion as to how much of a scam it was, and how Kony wasn't even a threat for over 6 years prior to the video.

Lemme get back on topic. Anyone seen the last two superbowls we had? Ever notice the huge amount of Egyptian themes and dark figures in the performances? Ever notice alot of occult imagery in alot of the music industries biggest up and coming stars?  Something is really bothering me about this. It just bugs me that alot of people are starting to jump onto this trend. Now I don't care for good and evil and all that bullshit because Evil has no substance lest we give it any acknowledgement. All of it just seems completely out of place on a normal day for me. What really bugs me is the rise of alot of the New Age spirituality movements. I'm also seeing alot of awkward scams being conducted in that area too. It seems as if its all spawned on the attitudes derived from American culture and the whole "Quick fix" mentalities we have towards alot of the issues featured in our society. Maybe I'm just rambling on about bullshit that doesn't matter, but I just want to warn anyone who comes across this to listen to the voice inside of you before you hear anything else in this world.

The churches are full of hatred, Hollywood is copywriting and usurping your attention and money, and all of our other industries have become shovelware spewers, distributing content that isn't worth acknowledging. Everything in this world, everything stemming far from the wells of truth will attempt to devalue your worth as a human being. Heed not the words of the man who hides behind many masks, who pierces through your heart with a lying tongue and an ill-fated smile. Not one man is born evil, but is born into a world full of hatred and deceiving imagery. Let life itself lead and weave you through the smog, smoke, and mirrors of nothingness. There is a great establishment far beyond the walls of this percieved life.  A man conceived in the bridles of his true nature is perfect in all senses of the word. Hide not behind the magical picture screen telling you how you should react to all the stimuli it tries to inject into your mind.
“And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair” -Khalil Gibran

SO like...One Direction appeals to little girlies that are so obsessed with the dumbest of imperfections? Nigga, sit down and re-evaluate your life. You bought a smart car, thinking it would cure your stupidity.

Seemingly trapped in the ideals of yesterday, seeking out the tender kisses of tomorrow. I question all of my moralities at the possibility at what could've should've been my mortality. My undoing. To gaze into that sweet abyss of her eyes once more was all that I needed to rise above that pit, and yet, her heart...Even though she lies in another man's arms, I feel her call. And there be no question as if my heart sill pours out for her, but...I constantly ask, how do I proceed forth?


I guess the pain I feel comes from knowing that her and I are no longer together. The dreams I had with her were just that. Dreams. Nothing more. I don't portray it well, but I'm not angry at her. Theres no valid reason for me to be angry at her, or even sad. But I still feel the pangs of loss. I found both a reason for living and a reason for dying in her heart. Now, I have nothing but memories. Yet, I feel selfish in all of this ordeal. I sought her for marriage to consolate the death that resided within me. I killed her iwth a guise of false love, attempting to cover up the past that my life seemed to hold so close to my veiled eyes.


I wish to set her free. I wish to set everyone free from my burdens. My existance be but a blight and a mere breath in this cosmic sea. I await each day with expectations of nothing, hope in nothing but the pains to be freed from my troubled soul, and belief in a voice I once heard many an eve ago.

Fuck this shit, I need a damn drink...

Divide and conquer. They got us fighting each other on trivial bullshit. Its something they've been planning for thousands of years. Look. Look and see how they control you. Nothing can corrupt you unless you allow it to. Make a choice to stand.

Had some guy call me four times in a row asking for a "Red." Said someone gave him my number because "Dey need dey weed shawty." No. God dammit, I just want to go to a hookah bar or...a jazz club or some shit man. I can't live here in FL no mo.

Bitch, shutchoassup. You couldn't differentiate between a night at the roxbury, and a dick in a box.

On Planetside 2, theres a 9 year old named "Papaya." Kids a fuckin fruit.

Everything seems to be but a perversion and misconception of whats actually going on. Fuckalldisshit.

Fuck this shit, I'm just about ready to set fire to my own house again in another universe and shit. Like...The fuck have we come to? From sticks and stones to mind-numbing bullshit to force a conformity to a polarization of almost every single aspect of our lives. We as human beings are toooooo fucking dynamic for us to be stagnant. We change too much daily for us to hold onto old ideals, and to be fooled by new age bullshit and scams. We're too goddamned smart for this. Either that, or we done drank too much flouridated water or some shit. Like, for real? I don't want anyone to follow after what I did in my life. Hell, I don't really much want anyone to know what I've been through. Its really hard to try and even formulate an opinion on it, and trying to hold it back to. Thanks to friends of mine, I've come to actually finding a place to vent in hopes that I'll be able to get over alot of the shit going on around me. I'm just really hoping that some of my thoughts and opinions would reach the right ears so that they too may wake up from this sleep we've endured for too many generations.We keep thinking about all of this overtly stupid and unrealistic approaches to life instead of actually living. We forget the acceptance of not just other people, but of ourselves and our shortcomings. Realizing that there are things we are masters of, and things we have no point doing, and things we can learn to be better at. We talk about love all the goddamned time, but never love. And under the guise of a false-love, condemn those who don't think exactly like us. I can admit to being one of those people. I don't like alot of people. I can admit I dislike people in general, and that I haven't simply accepted them as being different. But I want to start working on loving myself, and accepting all that I am and all that I am not, so that I may be able to love everyone around me much more efficiently.

God dammit, no matter where the fuck I go, its just a bunch of children arguing and pointing fingers based on bullshit we should already know naturally. What in the flying titmongering fuck.

Seemingly falsified blatant attempts at the formulating of opinions of a broken reality failing at the seams. New Age thoughts proceeded forth from the broken-mindedness of a capitolistic approach from eternal readings of the never-ending abundance of truth. Always speaking, yet never proceeding forth with the hands of their hearts. Their hands quick to ascertain the greenbacks of tomorrow, yet never formulating in today's eternity. Be wary of what you follow due to your own personal fears. For soon, the stones shall be moved, and ye shall be throned unto the face of glory and love itself. You will have to answer for your hiding behind falsified shadows of nothingness.

Today, I just want to slam my face into some big ol booty cheeks, and listen to good hiphop.

I REQUIRE STROYENT.

Once you must find validation amongst those around you, that is the day you sacrifice everything you are for something you are not. Know self fully, ground yourself in the infinitum of your current self, and let everything propigate forth its clause towards thine story. Everything that is meant to be, shall be seamless. You need not seek a word from the lover you inquire of.

Toilet music: Its spiralling bullshit that never ends. For example, Katy Perry constantly singing nothing but the chorus of her song for 5 hours straight. (Or so thats what it felt like)

Everywhere I look, I see the slave mindset bestowed upon the entirety of this planet. 200 years ago, men and women were uprooted from their homes into lives of hatredand hard labor. The game has changed,but we're still not free. This endurement has been designed to make the free human a more than willing slave ashe unknowingly sells his birthrights to a new beginning, deceiving himself to be alive when his master,even though unseen, retains a yoke around his broken neck. Daily arewe taught what is necessary for survival, yet scoff the fruits of life. Whatever that isn't freey given, whatever that isn't void of conditional reachings, is not worth acknowledging.

I'm just waking up right now, and the worst memories decide to flow right into the back of mine cranium. Way back in middle school, especially 6th grade, was a torrential period in my life. I had hell issues at home that were tearing me and my family apart, I had to deal with going to a new school, surrounded by a bunch of people with completely different mindsets than they had from the previous year. Everyone was trying to impress someone. Trying to be something they weren't. I was having a huge identity crisis, and found it was entirely difficult to communicate with everyone. It was fuckin bad. As most of you know, I went to Ammons middle school for about a year and a half before I got kicked out and placed in a program for- Lets not go into detail about all that :3.

Anyways, just the thought of this girl I used to really like back in the 6th grade came to my mind. I remember the dumb shit I used to do to try and tell her I liked her. She knew, yet decided to play around with my head like everyone else was doing at the time. It was heartbreaking really. Fast-forward a couple years later, I tell my supposed best friend about the girl, just to get shit off my chest and get over a couple things that were really bothering me. I would've never guessed the bastard would actively get in contact with the girl and start flirting with her. Fast forward 2 weeks later, he was adamant in rubbing it in my face who he was talking to, going so far as to pull out his iPhone to show me her pictures to confirm if it was her or not. When I saw her, I... was crushed a bit inside. But at the same time, I knew I shouldn't have felt wrong because I knew nothing was going to happen between me and her, and even though I still "liked" her, she was old news pretty much.

I used to enjoy doing the crazy shit I did back in my teenage years. One night, he brought up the idea to go and chill at her house the next morning and whatnot. I thought in my mind it was a chance to reconcile and apologize for acting the way I did years ago. Who I was in middle school, or who people thought I was, was just a shell of pain and torture. Everyday I'm striving to shed off all the things that keep my mind under the weather. Its a constant undertaking. Every single second I have to deal with trying not to judge every single movement, every single world I say, every single action I take as to not try and offend someone, or come off the wrong way. It really got to me because a lot of my friends said I was an arrogant know-it-all. It  hurt quite a damn bit to hear people say that. But anyways, I ended up pulling an all nighter that time. It was easy because I wasn't going to school at the time, and all I did was stay on the computer. I'd sleep all day and stay up all night. Slept at...12 PM, woke up at 8 PM. We drove to The Falls and hung out there, walked around for a bit to kill time before the girl called us to come over. Long story short, it was the most awkward and painful experience in my life. I didn't say a word as he was playing his cards right with her. I just sat there trying to do away with my mindset, telling myself "Well, let the player play. She never was yours to begin with, you never had a chance, you two don't click. Just let him do his thing." The funny thing was...The moment I saw her, and we exchanged hellos (That were the only things we said to each other after so many years. Not a big surprise.), I looked into her eyes and saw that she's been through way too many changes. Wrong changes into becoming a creature I couldn't love. A creature devoid of love and beauty. A creature caught up in the excruciating world that we glorify daily. A world that corrupts and does away with life itself. I looked into her eyes, and saw only death. Alcohol. Drugs.Sex.Bullshit. Thats what I saw. I saw nothing but an oil thick filth.

So guys. Guess what happened a week later? My supposed "Best friend" and the girl fucked, and he decided to tell the whole group about his victory over the pussy. I was angry for a split second, but then I saw that image in my head. That darkness. I don't hate the girl. I just sometimes wish I could've taken her under my wing to show her what more there is to a heart than a fool's desire for whats between her legs. But it doesn't work like that. The last time I did that( I've done it over a flungtrazibillion times), the girl ended up running away from me because she was so not used to someone actually asking her what the fuck she felt about things. "How was your day? You feeling alright? Wanna talk about it? I want to hear whats on your mind." I wasn't playing a "best friend" card, I genuinely cared about what the fuck was going through her numbskull head. Later found out it was nothing but popping mollies and drinking. And don't get me wrong thinking this just happened recently with this whole molly craze.  This was...approximately 2-3 years ago now.

Welp...Now to go and pray that God brings me a couple cigars so I can enjoy my 2 hours of sunlight.

Thanks to my friend, I finally have a reliable streaming software I can use. Oooooooh man, what fun this shits gonna be <3.

Goddamned russians on Dota 2 is fuckin up this game man.

Close the door, open the door, what do I see, nothin but fat ass booties all over my screen. Fuck poetry, I'mma just look at big ol puhtaytuh asses. This shit is sad. Fuckin Playstation emulator is broken. Broken ass shit. My dog smell like wet ass, my computer is startin to get a lil retarded each day, and these games are boring as fuck. I just wanna run around naked outside.

Fuck you U.N. Squadron. Even on Easy, you're harder than a black dick in a white girl's sweet ass.

So I'm sitting here, just wondering about today's dealings. Waking up to a bed full of shit, literally. My dog had diarrhea... Had to give him a bath and whatnot, and my stomach started to explode too. I dealt with enough shit for today, literally. Just sitting here contemplating over what to do next, trying to speak, but no words come to mind. Considering slamming my face into oblivion from playing UN Squadron, Crying about how shitty Planetside 2 is while playing it, or...Playing Warframe and farming for materials I need for my new suit. I feel so goddamned hungry, and I've been eating too much fucking food. I swear, all we eat is fried chicken these days. I think they do this on purpose because I keep talking shit about black people and whatnot. I think I need to stay off Worldstarhiphop. That shit is poison. So far, theres nothing I really have to look forward to except getting a car in my own name, but...I want a fuckin caddy. But I can't have a caddy because gas prices too goddamned high. I found a '93 DeVille for 1200 dollars, burgandy interiors, all leather, cream white outside. I felt like a pimp just looking at pictures of the damn thing.

Currently jamming to Gang starr/ Wu Tang's Above The Clouds track. I feel that pure energy of creativity just pulsing and working its way throughout my being everytime I hear this song. I've seen how people just hear music, but they don't listen to it, become in-tune with the artist and the spirit behind it. When I-

Fuck this shit, I'm sad now.

I wrote a poem titled "Summer rains, the uncommon dressing." Tis my gift to you all for today.

From the spacious skies of yesterday, all I have is this day to day longing of what wasn't meant to be. The feeling of her sweet lips pressed against mine, that was the epitome of my life. It was all I ever longed and cared for. Now, she is no more. As I attmept to ascertain what more I desire from life, not one can heed my call nor uplift the heaviness in my bosom. I am but defiled before all of humankind as a wretch wandering to and fro in search of the forever love he once felt. Perched at the shores of infinitum as I stared out into the abyssal sea of her heart. Cradled next to her as I kissed her sweet tears away. I only wished to give her much more in this life than ever before. And yet, I am without her now even as words spoken say otherwise. If so, why do I feel lonely? For their hearts are far from me. I have much to offer and give, but to all, it is of less worth than anything found on this earth. All I have to offer is the withering flame kept within me. I have nothing else. Its all I pursue. I know nothing else but that flame.I am a withering tree amidst a conflagrated forest. Where all else have left me here aloned amongst a burnt wasteland of dreams and yesteryear's tears. There is no longer any comfort or consolation as I attempt to reach out to the thoughts and ideals of others. But they bring no fruit, nor do they contian any seeds. Oh sweet winter maiden that has tormented me many an eve of these cold nights, embrace me tighter for you are my only company in these lonesome days. Yet please, allow me to bring the summer rains upon thee so we may be free once again

So today, Everything in life has converged on this one point in my life. Where potatoes fly around my face and eat the mosquitoes attempting to throw rocks on my two front teefs. Lol, So, what sup guys. I'm Greg, I'm 19, I...write often, I like neurotic shit that destroys the mind. Not excrutiatingly disgusting things, but the mind-boggling occurences concerning the metaphysical, quasi-dimensional, and quantum physicalities and realities thereof. :3

I...Am a poet of sorts I guess. I don't really have a title or label to give myself other than insane as fuck...But that just sounds pretentious. I'll just let my thoughts flow forth from here on out forevermore.