Even if I had the girl of my dreams, would I still be able to put a genuine smile on my face?
I lost way too much over the years for me to even think anything lasts forever.
Some of the brightest souls I've ever seen are dead and gone.
Everyone asks "Watchu want for christmas?" And the only things that run through my mind are what money can't bring back.

Video games, speakers, Sure I guess. Just some new headphones and something to numb the pain for a couple of minutes. Maybe a shot to the dome and a morphine drip.
Wish I could return to the blissful ignorance of my youth, because you gotta be dumb to be happy in the world we're living in.

The color of life has been whitewashed, and that diamond that lustered in the sun was just fool's gold.

Work for what you eat, but I'm still trying to find a reason to live. Guess I'm still living for the people around me, but I've been alone for longer than I can remember.

Wish I could give much more than encouraging words or pictures and writings of my dreams. They hold no value in the hearts of today nor tomorrow.

I've long forgotten what a midnight sky once tasted like. I hear them calling... The stars up above, searching for my eyes so they may perform their celestial dance once again. In every song do I hear the sirens soar far across the ceilings of my mind, bringing me once more to lands long forgotten. I return to the shore of eternity once more to find bliss, yet I feel only sorrow as I wish to share the unhindered beauty stored that seemingly only I can see. Am I alone in this? I am unsure... But how would I be able to verify if nary a soul is near me at the moment? Maybe they are, I hear their bustling voices time and time again, yet I attribute it to my insanity from constant lonesomeness.

This whole year... This whole year has been a true hell for me. Ever since my girl left me last year, I never experienced bullshit like this. My friends... they all died on me, everybody died on me. Depressive wave after depressive wave. From the fear that I might get a bomb dropped on my head, to the constant paranoia that someone is looking at my every move, determining if I am fit for society or not. I gave all I could to the people around me, and... I just... its just all kinds of hell for me. I've never felt so cold in my life. From my brother getting shot, to my dog dying that same fucking week, to having people I thought had my back lie to my face saying they would help me. The constant ups and downs of me thinking I'm moving out with an oppurtunity to restart, to them not even trying to give me any update on what the fuck is going on. Over 200 dollars have been stolen from my home, and each day I have less and less resolve to go on.

How do you tell someone you want to die so that you can finally give rest to all the unecessary bullshit? How do you tell them to not force them into pity, but for them to feel enough of your sorrow that they may extend a hand to you? There is no escape from this. She wants to be just "friends", but I say fuck a goddamned friend. When I needed her most, her words in anger towards me were "I hate you."

I can no longer see the luster and light in life. And there are none that care to hear or see my plight. So called christians only look at me with vitriol. No cry for help can reach their ears.

I write this as the constant internal meltdown proceeds forth to dissipate my immediate reality. The constant agony of reiterating what it simply no longer there. What I thought to be the most beautiful occurence will never take place. So I sit back and ask constantly "Why? Why why why?" Why did I say half the things that I said? If there was something to be learned from this, I only learned to stay even more silent. But this supposed shutting up of all of my doors only brings me decay. Where is he that relieves souls of their burdens? For in this hour, he is not with me. I do not blame him, for my own sins are too great to be washed away. My insanity, my home away from home as I'd like to call it. The worlds I'd create within myself. No one was really there except her, but even she has left me.
I do not blame her...

My mind is no longer good. And where there once was great light and soul, only exists some blackened hole. I cannot move, I cannot seem to proceed. But what does it matter? To have not just lost some woman or dumb broad, but to have lost what brought forth color into a colorless world, to have lost what brought life to the music that would dance towards my ears.
What a torment I endured this year where I've but destroyed what little chances I had to escape and rebuild. Now all I can do is beg for a quick death, to finally lay myself to rest in ease. These sorrows are but too great for my diseased-ridden self to bear. And any of those who say they can see what is truly moving inside of me, only see what they wish out of me. It is but lies and treachery... Or so I think... How did I become so cold?... It is truly unlike me to think this way at all, but nigh impossible to cleanse myself of these mindsets.

We always hear of the easy sayings that proceed from a rotted mouth of how to live and so on and so forth, but none can care to give comment to the man that calls for God in his most dire hour. What of the man that suffocates in his debts, who has lost all those he called brother? Why do we not shed light on that man who gives his supplication to the heavens above? I only sigh when I say that I have prayed fervently that I may be given rest in the death of my body at these times. I hear no answer from that ancient voice, but I do not blame him... Lonely I am, or so it seems, but it is so.  Everything but constants of paradoxical contradictory occurrences. Up, down, up down, left, orange, green, red, blue... Just drifting into the menagerie of insanity. Every emotion but a color, a new string to pull that abruptly strips the tendons of my wings from their sockets.
The constant impalement of lie/truth and truth/lie, double edge swords that plagued this world. One side covered in honey while the other is dipped in venom. "His name is YAHUAH! No, His name is AHAYA! No, his name is YAHWEH!" And all I wish to say is "Where in the fuck is my papa? Where is my mama?..." I am the child who was cast far form the sight of the heavens, but I do not blame my brothers and sisters for their actions. Look at the depths of my broken heart, see all that I am. I bare myself naked, yet covered in shame before your eyes. I beg of you to let me drown in love's rivers once more.... Or to simply let me drown. I can no longer bear the weight of this world upon my disfigured shoulders.

"You are beautiful, You are the greatest friend, you are amazing." All but lies... they could never see the deranged beast that lurks behind my bloodshot eyes, the constant self-question of whether or not I manipulate those around me. Am I a sociopath hell-bent on destroying the lives of those around me? If I am, then I push myself to remain in my broken vow of silence. The rains that once soothed me in the night, are likened to the blood flow of a scorching Earth, forcing my flesh to dissipate before my eyes.
"Write of your pains, write of your pains! Dance for me you insignificant fool! I command you to dance you minstrel!" I am but sub-human in the eyes of this world, a creature not worth mention.

How did the shutter grace over my eyes in such a span of time? My life was never with such darkness until that fateful night that she left me. Its been a year, and I've never felt so desolate and destitute in my life. Why is it that I still love her and desire her even now? It seems foolish, I know... But... why do I still feel this way? What is it about her that keeps sending me into a spiral, questioning everything I know to be true.

I feel foolish because I know there are people that have to contemplate their last days from bombs flying overhead, or the next time men with green banners wish to slaughter their home villages to convert to their oppressive way of thinking and believing in a god.

I have my own pains, but that is no excuse to ignore the obvious suffering of those who are near and far to me.

What the hell am I to do?

Wish I had somewhere to go. The sky is beautiful today, and yet I feel caged.
There are walls between man's spirit, and the spirit of life. I never felt so distant from the green grass beneath my feet.

Can you really touch my heart from afar like I've done for so many before me?
People say they are alone, but they are not for I am with them, but... are my words a blasphemy towards the God I worship?

There is none good but God, but the man that is painted to be God in the flesh, he said that greater things will come of me. What am I entailed to?

I deteriorate each day... My friend finds great sorrow in knowing that I will not be coming to see him, but he has made great effort to see me, to bathe in the darkness of my life in an attempt to give me some form of hope.

But for some stupid fucking reason, I cannot cause break from my own stupidity to go and see him.
Constant circles. Constant questions, never an answer, just answering with more questions returning back to the original point, no escape from this madness.
My whole soul covers this earth, I feel the anguish and pain of each one that suffers.
But I want to detract so that I may not feel so foolish anymore, but...
If I am so big, so powerful, then why do I do nothing?
But the voice likes to tell me I do enough, I do more than enough, but maybe its lal a lie, maybe I tell myself these things.

Maybe I really am alone in this little world I created as some way to destroy the truth in front of me of how dark and lonely things can be.

I feel as if I constantly have to hide how I feel.
People tend to get pissed off.
So I try my best to sit alone in what I'm dealing with.
Need help, but don't know how anyone can help me. Need help, but don't believe I can be helped. Need help, but I don't even know what it'll take for someone to help me. Do I want someone to just hug and kiss me while I cry?
Maybe thats what I need.
Someone that can see me.
But theres so many people that are unseen so I wonder am i just another phantom like those that dance around me?

Just trying to figure my shit out right now.
I lost alot in one year, and I haven't really accomplished much in 20 years of my life. I'm scared of being another statistic or stereotype, but with the way I act already, it doesn't really help. I guess I try my best to just let it roll off my back, but I end up reinforcing everyones falsified opinions in the long run. I used to want to be a theorhetical astrophysicist, but it seemed almost unecessary because I don't have anything to add to the global commentary, you know? Everything I've said, written, done, it doesn't feel like it came from me, but channelled from some other long gone soul. I'm having a major identity crisis but I don't have time to figure shit out.
I'm a man, thats one thing. But I'm a black man. A black man in america, so I have twice as much I have to do to prove myself. But when I'm sitting here being diagnosed with a million different mental illnesses, its kind of hard. Its one thing to be mentally ill, people see you as broken and sub-human. But to be black, its... its alot worse.
I got so much pressure on my back. Pressure I shouldn't have on me.
Pressure that I shouldn't even allow to phase me.
Its just a scary thought that most women in my life won't even love me for my mind, my heart, my innermost self, but just for the sake of some preconceived notion that I may be more well-endowed compared to most men.
Will no one but me be able to see the beautiful dreams that linger on in my mind? Or am I insane to even see the things that I once saw?

No, everything is not fine.
My whole life is all kinds of fucked up, I'm not doing shit to try and fix it, I can't fix it no matter how hard I try. My efforts mean really nothing, but everything is as if I never put any effort in the first place.
My mind constantly goes in circles, constantly in contemplation over things that shouldn't matter.
So I'm left with nothing but music and my memories and dreams.
But sometimes I wonder if I'm losing both my memories and dreams.
The music helps, but I fear its only nostalgia, not something worth noting.
Everything has lost its luster, but people smile more than I can so I think its just something wrong with me.
I know people hear this alot of times, but I could be in a room full of a thousand smiling faces all directed at me, and still feel like I'm on fuckin pluto.
Its funny because now, it doesn't hurt as much to think about seeing my last day.

Vivre pour vivre, mais ma vie ne signifie rien si vous n'êtes pas avec moi...

Google translate is a wonderful thing.

My main fear was that I would never be heard, that I'd be completely alone my life. But...that ancient soul always comes through to touch me. A constant reminder that He is watching, that I will not fail, I will not fall, and that I am heard.

Its terrifying. Terrifying how we've reached a point in our society where a life, a single soul, is reduced to nothing but a bag of chemicals and seemingly untied impulses resulting from thus. How a man's experiences, his thoughts, his unrelenting creativity, his heart, the vastness of who he is, his divinity, his rights, are stripped in but a mere moment in a scoffing tone. One out of 7 billion. Yet the whole 7 billion are part of a body. We're all part of a giant cosmic eye that sees far out beyond the vastness of this life. "What makes me so special?" And yet I always hear, "Who are you to detract from the truth that lies within you? You know nothing of your own self. How are you to dictate what is and what isn't meant for you? Allow me to open these doors for you, these pathways into a more prosperous life. Let not the fools beguile you in mistaking riches and wealth for gold."

I learned at a young age that the premium currency is what stems from an open heart bathed in love.
I learned at a young age, in the midst of my pain, that the greatest gift is a friend, a lover, a husband, a wife, a mother, a father, or just someone that is bound to the heart, mind, and soul.
I also learned that same year that no one truly knows what it means to taste the feet of heaven, and not being able to share that infinitum wealth. To see the truth of all that is, and yet knowing that all around you tend to the darkness. I wish for them to see my heart, to hear my prayer.
Most nights are spent in crying for I see hell all around me. I wonder what has happened that I see all of this now compared to the expansiveness that was once laid before my feet.

For God to bestow all of this upon my broken mind, I know that I am saved, even while afflicted with great sorrow. But it is moments like these when I see his hand, though heavy upon me, is leading me through these valleys to set me on high at the mountains. With a heavy sigh, I can safely admit that there is nothing that can contain me except God himself. No lover could amount to what I desire.

I have found that what is most valued, is but nothing to learned men.
I'd rather be a fool and a vagabond, filled in my spirit, than to have lost my soul to this world. I do not wish to pertain myself to anything. No doctrine can contain the fullness of God, only what is spoken and heard in utter silence.

"What does it mean to be me? Who am I?" Those are two questions I ask daily.

I beseech you all, let not yourselves thrive after a identity fabricated by this life, but seek an identity through Him who made thee.

Its crazy really, my life has been on hold for a long long time now. And... after this month, it seems as though a huge drastic change is gonna take place. A new beginning, a new life. I never thought it was possible, but it is. Even after 20 years. This is gonna be the longest month of my fucking life. Every day used to zoom by for the past couple of years or so, I still remember almost every day spent. Its just weird how things can take such a drastic turn in such a short period of time. Things you think can only happen on TV, actually take place right in front of you. Right before your very eyes. Some moments I see the darkness and the storm brewing outside, but at the same time, I don't care. Call me an ignoramus or a prideful asshole, but I haven't lived my life yet. Darkness has always been on my doorstep, and even performed a home invasion, but... fuck it. God moves. The whole world could be set ablaze overnight, and I'd still be at peace just knowing that my whole life is secure in God's hands. I may face some of the greatest adversity, but I know I will overcome by He who is within me. And with a heavy sigh, I reiterate to myself that I still got about...3 and a half weeks left. I see the beauty of my childhood played before my eyes. It...compels me to snatch everyone I know by the throat, and throw them outside, cleansing their minds of any and all thoughts. To just see without speaking for once. Without attempting to compile their thoughts. To just see. To shut the fuck up, put the blunt down, and just...see. See, and embrace. But at the same time, I know this separation is necessary. My soul does not run like the rest of the world. And evenso, I am not completely detracted from those that love.

There are those, even if they are few, that know me and my heart without knowing my face. Our souls are ancient and communicate daily, only praying for the moment we shall finally be in tandem with each other. True, it is a very painful ordeal, but worth more than what the mind can conceive. This whole place ain't my home. Not because my home is somewhere painted as an end destination, but the returning of where I once truly dwelt. I still remember the great things that birthed from my heart in that wonderous plane.

"Who are you to deny yourself the greatest that life itself has to offer you?
So it be that you may receive so much from life, but what greater there is that stems from God's heart.
Who are you to deny such great gifts?"

When I say I love you, I want it to be more than just 3 words I utter. I'm hoping I don't stutter when I say this, but I want to send a shock wave throughout your life, not just your body. I want you to see the waves of emotions pour over you when I show you how I truly feel.
I want it to be more than just a simple expression of some obtuse ideal, but the extension of myself towards you.

Visions of the motherless white wolf, flowing like a stream emanating from Zion, down to the heavens below. Formless, seamless. Without any limitation implanted upon his heart.

I haven't a single clue...

I oftentimes contemplate on the actuality of myself and what makes me, me. What are my parameters? I think of myself as some machine when I think like this. Am I extensive to count myself as having so many aspects of myself? No, that seems too much like a lie. Everything seems as if its some veil that I hide behind because I'm afraid to shew my heart unto another. To everyone else, I'd be deemed a woman because of my immense heart, but my nature is tender, yet stronger than the scales of some elder dragon. Maybe I'm afraid that I'll fall into that same hole once again, but... I've fallen just because of said fear. I make it difficult to not depict the slightest memories of dreams I once had long ago. The beauty that would pass by my lips in sheer minuscule moments. It is no longer desire or longing, but the actuality of what I searched for so long.
To the outside, I am a man with a feminine countenance. But to those who know me, I'm but a lover that stares into the eyes of the most tender corners of a woman's heart. And if I was to be near to her, not a word would be said, not a movement needed but one kiss. Everything past, present, and future, would happen in an instant.
And yet with a sigh, I remember all of the promises I could not keep, all of the hearts that I shattered. And I deem it unnecessary for me to see tomorrow. And yet why. Why, I ask myself, did I allow such a thing to happen when I knew the consequences of each of my actions and what they would entail to. Why did I not speak up? I wanted to give what I simply could not give at the time. Maybe every thought that takes place within my mind is but a falsehood. A dream and a lie to further inspire me not to leave this earth just yet.
The world is colder, and it feels as if it is my own doing. That everything wrong stems from me. The violence, the sadness, the hatred, I feel as if I could have done something to prohibit it. But alas, it seems that I went back on my original promise. The promise I made to myself many a year ago. That I would never add to another's suffering.
My dog, my friend, my confidant, is no longer with me. This fatal blow has caused me to be seemingly numb. Still I see him around me. And yet, I wonder why I haven't cried. I saw the pain in his eyes and heard him beg to see me one last time. And yet I could not permit that to him. I feel as if I have failed myself, my friends, my family, and even God at times.

Is it that I have long given up the things of yesterday, or is it that they were stolen from me? Maybe I'm so lost in my own pain that I cannot acknowledge the destruction of the world around me. There is no rest for the wicked. And since I haven't been able to sleep well, I suppose I'm just as juxtaposed as those heathens. Lined me up for bread and shots to the dome, emboss my body in a tomb full of chrome. Or so they wish to pontificate by the delusioned. But to the disillusioned who wear their hearts on their sleeves as they face the stark reality of a loveless life. What does it mean to truly be alone? I've tasted it when I slipped into the void as I attempted to reverse the effects of cognitive dissonance. A weapon that kills off the soul in a single swipe. Or it gives the target a means to give up their will with ease.

I see how much social media and whatnot has really...caused some great divides between people. Everyone screams progression, but we're not really progressing anywhere as a people. As a whole, as the human race, we're not going anywhere. To allow ourselves to even squabble over the silliest debates is such a futile thing. As mean cleave to old ideals that are not their own, and people feverishly search for what is unreal. Then you have men that wish to wipe the earth clean, people openly embrace eugenics and the silencing of many innocent voices. How did we come so far off from our path? We've grown to accustom pain and hatred with love and friendship.

People cling to ideals and forsake the entirety of their souls to support them, instead of simply flowing. I've grown tired of the opinions and thoughts of the pragmatic. The world has never been so divided... Never.

Been feeling...very numb.
Each thought feels ungenuine.
Each word feels like its a lie that holds no truth.
I never felt so...dead. Just dead.
I never thought I'd return to this pit again.
Its all so weird. Unexpected.
I'm so unsure as to why I feel this way. It hurts even more knowing that I can't get help for it.

It feels so good to be able to listen to music off my computer again. With good speakers. Little brother got his stitches taken out today.  Things feel weird as hell now. Weird as in...I'm not sure. You know the moment when your whole life seems to be on some burning path. Its definitely far from negative. Its like...the beauty of uncertainty. The beauty of not knowing. Something that inspires the adventurer in all of us.

TO inspire us to fuck up our credit scores by trying to recreate "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas". Like aspiring towards some form of complete absolution of everything, into a state of freedom. Not just a mindset, but watching that mindset echo into the physical. I remember a time...far from now. Very far from now, when man did not spend his entire lifetime behind a desk in hopes that he might have to work anymore.
I remember a time when a man's work was a fulfillment of himself.  And he spent the rest of his days in the town and city greeting every soul, seeing the sunlight in each person's eyes. Simpler times with close knit and tight communities that lived in log cabins rather than concrete and plaster jail cells.

I cant fucking believe I cut ALOT of my dogs hair, gave him a bath, and cleaned my man-cave today. I earned 100 dollars for all this. I cant believe I pulled it off. Youd be amazed at how much music can get you out of any bad situation.

Well...i didnt literally get money, but I feel like a million right now.

I pleaded with myself that I wouldnt do this, but here goes. Earlier this week, tuesday 2:30 AM, I was robbed at gunpoint in my home. One of the robbers shot my little brother in the face as I begged them to leave him be. This whole week I cant seem to get over the fact that I couldve taken them both on. I just dont know why I reacted in fear.

Ive noticed how strong I was at first, but became crippled in the mind over the course of the week. Each passing moment, I get flashbacks of what happened. Still see and hear their voices. I hate it. I hate those punks that got the upper hand on me.

My brother is fine, was discharged yesterday. It just really sucks how everything is just hitting me now.

Stumbled across photos of me and my dad as a child. I feel as if Ill forever be stripped away from those moments... even now, my soul is in disarray.

Fuckin weird...just...feeling a huge a huge surge. Holy...mother of love itself... music never tasted so good.

All I see is smiles while my life is littered with holes. Maybe Im really the puppetmaster pulling strings with words of truth and love for those around me.

If this is my calling, then so be it.

I thought only God does this.

I heard it being whispered to me: "It is the most difficult and painful when you're on the steepest incline".

But still I wonder where and what Im inclined to. I ask every moment if my steps, my breaths, my speech are directed in the correct formation. I do not believe the words given to me. They epitomize me too much. But i ponder of those who only hear negativity, and why i do not hear such things any longer.

A true phaseshift it seems, as Im on the other side of the saran wrap forcefield. Im almost afraid of what tomorrow holds. I may be a king, but I only wish to be the lowly servant to the masses. If I be the greatest, then let my heart succumb to the shattered voices of my countrymen, to deliver their words to the most high.

As I lay here, peering out this window to view the sunrise, all I can do is remember when the skies brought greater displays of beauty before my eyes.

I am reminded of times when hopelessness was far from the lips of my seared heart. Rest, beauty, love, they all seem like remnants of some forgotten dream. Each giving of mine vessels feels more like business transactions than the release of what moves this world.

But I feel I am the one to blame for the world's stagnation. It seemsthat my wish was granted that I bear the pain of the multitude... and yet, the pain has not mitigated. Twas but a wasted effort it seems... It seems all of my prayers have been answered...and yet, I am filled with the greatest regret. Enough to scorch my lips into a smoldering amalgamation to render myself silent for eternity.

What do we do when faced with unbearable pains and burdens? Do we trudge along like mindless corpses? It seems to beour only choice since we've
long forgotten the importance of a charitable heart, on the recieving end, as well as to giving beginning.

It seems there is none that can alleviate me from what ails me other than the heavy hand of the physician. I see all those that claim his name run with joy in their hearts, seemingly free and yet, I am one that calls out in tears, agony, and in writhing pain as these hooks dig ever so deep to the roots ln my very core. What does one do when the heavy hand ofnthe physician is kindled against you?

I have long since sacrificed sanity in search of the face of the beloved. But now, it seems that every step taken was all for naught.

I hear the hearts of men compare me to a whining babe, begging to its mother in vain for he is already filled with milk. But I am the decrepit, ancient, forgotten one whose bones crackle under the weight of the entire world. I am one who is emptied before the audience of this life, with nothing to bore before them but pain they choose not to seek. See my suffering, I beseech ye all who wish to cradle near my heart. Seek the wounds of my brokened self. There, you shall either find understanding to a broken home, or the dusty elysium trails to a void far lofted from this realm reality.

How does a soul cry out for life and.death in the same breadth.

How does one beg to be unshackled unto freedom, and yet beg for God to bring the sword to his neck.

See my heart. See the truth to my self. Read the long aether trail that men pretend to not exist.

I do not like the pessimistic, pragmatic, and hedonistic ways of men. Your senses be but broken tresses lest ye fill yourself with common sense.

Senselessness comes when it is permissible to say that common sense is uncommon in these times.

Nothing is as wonderful as a newborn child. Nothing is as pure as the children of this world. Untouched, far from being mangled by this world. So full of love, light, and truth. It brings tears to my eyes when I see them. I pray and hope each one doesn't have to deal with the foolishness of this world, this life. To remain as they are, brought into this world.

Woke up feeling mighty weird today...I can actually...see again. It's weird though... I woke up wanting to do so much today, clean my room and call my dad, but...Now I'm sitting here paralyzed into just listening to music.

Welp...I guess I finally allowed myself to come to the realization that I'm in a very sick environment.
For a very long time, the same people that decided to coke me up on anti-psychotics and forcefeed me the bullshit that I was mentally ill for so long, now have the tenacity to tell me "I don't believe you're bipolar." as an excuse not to get me treatment, or as an excuse for me to not pursue what they dream for me in my life. Its very hard for me to...accept or even believe that these people "love" or care for me, or if they just do everything out of a reactive guilty conscience. I'm unsure. I really don't have time for all these mindgames as I'm steady trying to figure out who I am because people wanted to take and think for me for so long.

Its as if I never had the chance to actually be myself in so long that...I can't even remember what makes me, me.

I'm in a real...fucked up situation. I try so hard to do anything and theres always something telling me that I do best when I don't try. To just flow. But its so hard to just let everything go. I always feel as if life is slipping me by as I'm watching everyone live and I'm slowly dying. I wanna get up, go out there and get it, but it all doesn't seem like its meant for me. Like it won't contain me.

All I can remember was constantly being placed in comparison with the people around me. I want to forget old habits, pitting myself against everyone around me. I hate it. Damn its so difficult just TRYING to be myself.

The mindless serpent. The one who climbs to the top of the tree in search of the fruit of life. And as soon as he obtains it, disregards it for it does not fill him entirely. Slithering his way through life without aim, only gaining that which others contest with bloodshed for. It means nothing to him. But he does it for the sake of his peers that wish for him to conform to their dreams. He cares not any longer.

A serenade from a woman's sweet heart is much more than any benign kiss. Tis an invite into that seething aether pool of her infinitum truth. Nothing could ever compare.

I thought myself insane, until I saw a man fall in love with a goddess who was so far from him. At that moment, I realized why I followed his example at times...but no longer can I do so. I pray for him daily.

And yet, all was said and done with but a fist and a smile.

Getting a bit tired of people trying to think for me. Im not interested in finding a girl. If its meant to be, Ill let her come to me instead. Im not trying to push anything. And Im sorry to all those- matter fact, Im not sorry to those who I see have so much, and yet lie to themselves daily because of bullshit. I see inside the hearta of the lowly and sorrowful. Men think they find strength in the largest figures. But its the low.ones that still cleave to their integrities.

God moves.

People really think I plagiarize my content o.o Hoooolyyyy shiiiit. Ooooh myyy goood.

Cant sleep because of that negtive miasma people drink from...Jesus man, the minds of humanity are twisted. Such hatred for no apparent good reason. And yet, Im painted as the villain. I love my bros, but I just cant deal with them being around 24/7. Theyre the type you can only chill with on saturdays. We walk completely seperate paths. alot of their shit, I dont agree witg, but I still love em. Just need room to be me, not drowning in the lives of others, following after their crowd, their friends, their lifestyles. I finallt have the chance to be me without hinderance.

People think... because she's no longer in my life, that I have an enmity towards God. People think they see my heart. They know me not. Only a mask which they attempted to place on my face. People claim I rebel against God because I see the fallacies in their wayward perceptions. I see the thoughts and prayers of men who believe Ive given up all that I am to ine adversaries.

They couldn't be further from the truth. And yet, their stumbling causes my mind to throw itself against the wall in agony as I see their terrors, fears, and presumptions. It is saddening. Forgive me if I donnot wish to wave a flag in proclamation of something that surelt isn't. My heart and I only wish to cling to that which is unobtainable, unutterable, the infinitum tonall that simply is. This isn't some new age spiritual bullshit, I don't care for the pragmatic pretenses of men who stumble after only what their eyes can see.

Your prayers mean naught. Only the tears of broken hearts and utter much more and lend such fruit to the ears of our Father. Shed tears in wailing heartfult true pain as ye bear the burdens of all men under the sun. Have ye not felt the suffering of billions in but a fortnight? And yet, ye choose to partake in the acknowledgement in that man which you do not, and will never understand? Grt the hence for your mouths are filled with putrid lies, fueled by self-justification to torture poor souls as a foothold to what only your brolen eyes can muster.

I cannot even sleep for I hear and see these broken cries of lackluster men who methodically try to see infinity in some religious order. Men who wish to fond Gos in the church, but cannot see the glimmer of our father's eyes on a midsummer's day, or under the full lit night of a thousand dancing stars. See the majesty of the infinitude hsppen before your very eyes.

Partake in the ascertainment of all that is beautoful, not with vain maysayings of that which simply isn't.
Who is the messenger, does it matter? Did you at least get thr message as ye war with one another woth banal differences which hold no worth?

Seek the eyes of He who moves Ye. For ye cannot move lest he permit thine foot to take plant upon the roots of life. Seek the heart of the greatest lover, for there is no other way to live. Seek not the face of a man,for ye shalt surely die by hellfire. Seek not a savior, for the savior is the one setting you free so you may save yourselves. Men have taken everything from you,even belief in yourselves. And the one you called savior, only wished to open your eyes to the potential stored in you...

"These things that I do, ye shall do also. And yet, greater things shall come of you.". Your savior wishes to empower you to take life by its reins.

Isnt it empowering to hear that you can do all of these things? Why do you not use your imagination and seek from the core of your essence? Men believe the laws of God are written in documents. It is written upon thine life, in your soul. We are not born out of decay you fools! And yet I still hear the tongues of you that curse me for I seem to deviate from your proliferated track of thought. Has your "god" also relieves you of your abilityto think? Do you not see all of the doible edged swords that lay in wake to taunt and confuse you? The first double edged sword was our own selfish doing. Now, lets finally relieve ourselves of these prison mindsets. A slave to Christ? I thought he set you free? And still I hear you say so much of me as if I do not cling to the words of my brother. That great prophet who was disgraced and sacrificed. Yahoshua. Even my brother speaks to me saying to seek God. Seek the source, not the messenger. And yet, men call me muslim just because I wish not to gorge myself on unrighteous foods.

All in all, I cleave to my father now, more than ever for I am in great need. Nothing can satiate me than to be drunken with Love's kiss.

(Sorry for any grammar mistakes, lets see you try writing this on a touch screen phone with big.friggin bear paws.)

I wanna do this. I wanna do that.
But it seems as if I only wanna do this and that just to keep my parents off my back.
I wanna do this and that because it seems like all my old friends are succeeding where I'm failing.
I wanna do this and that because I don't want everyone to call me a shitton of wasted potential.
I wanna do this and that because I don't want to be labeled as something I'm not.
But its gonna happen anyway. Guess I just gotta get over it huh?
Do what you love is what they say, but theres nothing I enjoy any longer.

The sun don't shine like it used to. Its missing its luster. That glow that caused mens true hearts to show.
They call it depression and laugh because I look blue. I'm sorry that I cannot see life renewed.

They say call Jesus, and he's near, but I can't accept half the shit that he has to say. Its not true about me.
Not me, for I've done the worst. Not me, because I'm the vampire that drains the world.
But if I could, I'd give everything away just to make some smile even for a moment.
It brings me great sadness that everything I do is for but just a day. Hopefully some will remember my actions, not my face. What was done, not who I was. I hope they take that, and further themselves.

But it all feels like boldface lies. A perpetuation of a justification for my own thoughts and ideals. Or so what people told me. I wonder oftentimes what they spoke of, the only ideals that float through my mind are giving all that I can so that some may be able to stifle that hunger that dwells upon the lips of everyone's hearts.

I thought I could be coldhearted, but I oftentime shed tears at even the smallest blight upon another man's being.

I try not to ask others for anything, not out of pride, but because I feel take so much from people already. Every step outside makes me want to return to my cell, and every moment inside this cell, makes we wish to break free.

Half of what I do, with the random childishness, is to give people some light. To distract them from the darkness outside. But I guess its no good. Tis vain. For I cannot even make myself smile when doing so. Besides...Maybe they're all supposed to walk through that horrific place.

I fear I've been ehre so long that I cannot remember if I'm still here, or on the other side of that path just yet.

Find it hard to think sometimes...Feels as if someone is constantly nitpicking at every single thought I have.

Theres always that little voice inside your head thats so quiet. So subtle. So beautiful even that always speaks of your purity. I find it hard to believe that voice. Very hard. All I see is what I've done to everyone else around me. Or maybe I see what they see, and have long discarded my own view on things.

I wish people would post more comments.

There seems to be a perversion of every aspect of the human condition. We've been led.to believe in the negative aspects of the homo sapiens species. There is so much thats redeeming about us that you never hear. You never hear of the greatest day to day accomplishments of each soul, only stories spinned to recieve the greatest ratings. They say live without darkness and violence is boring, and will sell you every single thing to make you believe that, as well as painting a world with peace as being one of unanimous conformify towards a singular deifiied entity. They say believe in God, but God in the flesh said to believe in yourself. Believe in where you came from. Believe in who you truly are at the core essence of your being.

That which is of love and true unfathomable purity.

"These things that I do, ye shall do also. And yet greater things shall come of you."  I never see this empowering statement being preached. I dont see it anywhere. I dont see the souls getting fed, only "saved". We've been allowed countless times to get things right against those oppress us on a worldwide scale. And yet, we lie dormant hoping the next man will do something about it. Our inaction, our silence, is the greatest weapon being used against us. Take each day as an oppurtunity to give. Even if its to give to what is unseen. The heart that is moved is the greatest.force that is known and unknown.

Do not confound yourself in attempts to understand this world. That which is not of love, is not meant to be understood.

I feel the unprecedented hatred of so many, and yet I know they cannot see Me. The actuality of myself, for they cannot see far from the cloud-minded fog they smear across their faces.

I hate it all so damm much.
All this anger and I try so hard to hide it because it feels unjustified. And running after God made me alot lonelier and enigmatic to everyone around me.

But evenso, certain events are starting to make sense now. I just want all the childish shit to end...

I heard someone say thst your life is your voice. I guess a self placed.bullet to the head is a great way to say "Fuck you and everything you stand for."

Always the cute little text messages with the bullshit fantasies and make-believe words. Feels like everything she said was just an empty lie as she was staring down the next guy's pants.

The moment when you stumble on old text messages from her.
After all the shit thats happened, it makes me not wanna believe in love. To throw away evrything I am and just be cold and silent, working on absolutely nothing. Just going through life without any thought to it whatsoever. No emotions. To sit where I need to be, do what I have to do, and die.

To just go through life as a spectator to an automaton.
I dont want to believe in anyone or anything. I just want to go and get this all over with. Just about tired of dreams hopes and wishes. Just...done. Done with everyone. Most of my social interactions result in bullshit. People love to talk but I aint got shit to say to almost any soul.

I see the ancestors of lost children crying tears of the blood shed in oppression and hatred. I see the young children selling their birthright not realizing they accepted their old slavemasters yoke once again.

I'd rather suffer a thousand fold for love, than to halfedly smile in the allure of a thousand lies...

What a day at the park.
Hearken, hear what the distant ear could never fathom to bring near.
Far greater than the imagined universe from the source force field.
I only wish to return to all that my heart feels. From the great tsunamis of pain to even the smallest arrow dart of joy that pierces the thickened oil black that I've been usurped in for so long.


Lime fizzy makes me dizzy as I'm downing bubbly to keep my troubles on the low-low. Too high strung on the cousins chasin hoes and dough. I could never amount to objectifying a woman, or so I once believed.
What a day at the park, I never inclined myself to leave a mark, for I knew my life is but a mere hastened breath upon the cosmos. Insignificant and ignorant. And yet still that flame has not been choked of its life. Do I simply beg and await for my passing to come to my lips, to drink of death's elixir so I may pass away into an eternal comatose reaction?


My eyes fool me, or so I think. What was once so real is now so far from me. I miss seing music right before my eyes.

My social life sucks so much, that even on the net, I feel like a complete outcast. The shit is weird. Everywhere I go, I find new groups to hang with, but they're all so...interconnected, and I'm just sitting on the outside observing. None of what they say includes me, so I just sit silently, or leave.

Well, I got Guild Wars 2 yesterday, and I have the feeling I'm going to just level up my characters on my own, not really doing anything with anyone. It saddens me because I want to explore new social groups, but everyone is still stuck on this high school "Clique" system. Even in video games its evident. My only..."reliable" group of online friends, are very...negative to say the least. We're very incoherent in team games, and its all about trolling.

My planetside 2 outfit just died recently, and I don't feel like going into detail on how that game was ruined for me by other people. (Stupid attempts to get me involved with drama that I had no part in.) Even as I was pretty much one of the administrative forces in the game, It was only for in-game purposes. Someone still tried to pin some otherworldly bullshit on me. I don't know...how to really react to the massive influx of whats going on in my life. Dreams about people I want to forget, trying to apply to school and a whole bunch of dumb shit coming from that too. It seems as if stress and crap is always on my head, and I really have no way of putting it off my mind so I can rest easy for once. Sleep is something I beg for daily, but I find no rest in it. I feel like this is the hell the bible was talking about.

I'm constantly attempting to call out to God, but it feels as if I lost my voice, so it falls on deaf ears. I constantly want to admit daily that I am un-pure, unclean, and unfit for anything.

I barely have anything to say to anyone these days. Hell, I don't even write on here as much as I used to for that sole reason. Silence. Everything I wish to say means nothing, has no weight. Its only insight to a pre-existing sickness. Yet, everyone knows this. So I lay silent.

What a day at the park, as I hearken my ear to the sweet sounds flowing from the eternity of yesterday. From the dawn of the universe, to this present moment, to tomorrow and all things seen and unseen, I see the correlation of all into all and so on and so forth. Each cosmic event connected to another, winding down to each individual lifeform upon this planet, and others.

Life is amazing, and each individual matters.

I am surrounded

Surrounded by beauty even if I don't see it all the time

Surrounded by love even when I don't feel it.

And I am not alone, even when I feel lonely.

It is amazing because I thouhgt it would take alot of work to affirm this within myself.

Life is too easy.

Difficulties and oppression will always surface, but its too easy, and you overlook that in time.

It is amazing how...the universe answers the call of open hearts.

Even when I am failing before myself, I am surrounded by the flow. The flow of life itself. The living water that pour torrential rains upon my parched soul.

Dancing in the sea of nebulaic fantasy. Even though originality feels far from me.

So the cute girl from down the hall showed me a piece of her heart in the form of her blog. Its interesting to see...her. She's like a reflective mirror to my life. I see alot of my own thoughts and experiences in her words. I guess I just wish I knew what works for me like what works for her.

I'm an old soul, but still a young child. What a conflicting fucking way to live.

Wish I had the same passion as those around me, but too often did I see through the mock-up.
Wish I could perform the same way, but for too long did I find no worth any thing tangible.
Wish I could give to those who have none, but what all I have to offer seems but worthless.

I ain't much, and I never cared for much, or at least I tell myself I don't.
Ain't shit out there that I really want to attest myself to.
What do I live for? Nothing really. Only reason I haven't left was because of the people around me.
I don't wanna cause pain when I die, but I seem to cause too much trouble when I'm alive.
Or at least...I think I'm alive. Maybe this soulessness thats been attacking me has finally reached its goal.


In terms of the brain department, all I have is but the rehashing of old elements from re-occuring dreams of yesteryear. I'm but a blank emptied slate to the infinite white of tomorrow, and evenso, all I see is black.

Just a bit damned tired of not being able to express myself in the magnitude that I strive for. I might have to just lock myself in silence forever until I actually master the manipulation of the base energies of life where lightning bolts literally shoot out my eyesockets and shit.

A heavy sigh as I return back to the drawing board, watching the old etchings and markings dance around before my very eyes. Any attempt to perform something new is but a derivative of what was once a streaming of that chalk powder. After all is said and done, I'm but left with the sweet whispers that echo from her heart.

I am but saddened because I know I speak so much more in my stilled silence than the seemingly fantastic speech that is shown forth into this world. It amounts to nothing truly, as the living art that dwells within me is sooo much more. I only ask daily that God give me some form or some way to transcribe the pure essence of not just the greatest days of my life that he continues to bring me towards, but the menagerie of experiences and occurrences that came to fruition. Even though we were alone, I felt so sheltered from what she truly wished to say in those moonlit nights. All I see is this fear that streams from her, second guessing tomorrow.

It takes so much to even attempt to get people to understand that I am not here. And what I see, what I feel, does not take place here. What I search for daily, is not found here. Even as I simply stared at the emptied bed, her smile was so ever present. Even as I laid alone in those nights, I knew I stared up at the night sky alongside her. The heavy rains only came because tears were running down her tulip cheeks that reminds me of the endless fields of Italy in another time. That spring wonderland where my heart once resided many a lifetime ago.

I have no reason to live for myself. Nothing fills me in this void world. The only thing that brings me satisfaction is giving all that I am to one that I may call my lover. And I feel as if the one thing that keeps me from doing so is the belief that I am but the most tainted and distorted figure.

And after all of these wasteful thoughts, I only wonder if she knows, that I know, that I am not without her. That I feel her gentle caress against my skin. Her hands may be cold, but her heart is set ablaze akin to the old souls that dance before me.

The expansiveness of self relayed to the canvas of this percieved occurence.
I only await the day for the unsealing of all that I am to be painted onto this life.

The sickness a man feels when the managerie of the dwelling he once pursued for so long is destroyed before his very eyes. The love he once felt as he's throwed into the pit of silent torment amidst a seemingly endless winter.

As mere words that he wishes to throw to the walls are but jumbled garbage. Lost amidst the myriad of coding language of life, attempting to decipher and ascertain each coming and each going.  I only wish to depart entirely from whats been played before mine very eyes.

Oh my, my blog is 1100 pageviews strong. I thank you all deeply for taking time out of your day to give my thoughts a little viewing. I appreciate it x3.

"Come perform your civic duty, or go to jail! And have this useless piece of paper as a remindee of how much of your time we wasted!"

Due process my narrow ass.

Shit I write during jury duty.

First day of jury duty, drank a "bang" energy drink. Im starting to feel jittery as hell. Impatient as hell, but time is flying by. My whole denomination feels...justified? Not sure what my thoughts are. Just knowing that life is trying to throw everything I thought about myself out the window.

Not to become some religious nut, but to venture into thw fulfillment of myself. Each day a new step. Letting Him work in my favor, but I still want to just get out. To find an excuse to stel away. Even if its schooling. I want to learn, but... I don't want my supposed knowledge to cause me to not enjoy life. I don't have to be prestigious, just pave my way to do all my heart longs for.

It took love itself to fortify me. To show me that everything I thought I did so heinously wrong, wasn't so terrible to begin with. The negating insanity that occurs when a man is far from himself is beyond a disturbance to just himself. Order itself is broken on a cataclysmic wave.

The basis and source of life, infornation, harmonic thought, and such proceedings are constantly trailing me, leading me, and fulfilling me on this journey. Its interesting to see. Its always been easy. You just gotta learn to chill. Gotta learn how to think for yourself and not let menial structures torment your very essence into a remission of all that you are, in favor for a yoke and chain around thy neck.

Aside from my brain erupting into a volcanic tidal wave of thought provoking imagery, I'm feeling quite fine.

It scares me that so many people follow archtypes and stereotypes throughout their lives. I see it in people's eyes what their most innate longings truly are. Not what they wantvor desire, but what their hearts stretch forth beyond reality for.

We as individual human beings are too colorful and spread out to be labeled and archtyped. It doesnt help that our encompassing media outlets further push these mindsets and the like, on unmindful citizens.

Its difficult to simply accept all of this as such, especially as we continuously label ourselves as a progressive society. The truth is that we have degressed as we rely on such obsolete and falliable technology that doesn't even reap the full potential of harmful, and limited resources all for the sake of profit of those whom are in control of the many falsities of our livelihood.

I find it fun watching this buraeucratic dance of bullshit twirl around in my face as overpaid lawyers tout around misconstruing facts and logic to waste the time of the american people in this broken judicial system. Welp, its 2 minutes before the actual hearing, I hope they prove me wrong.

Its now 2:11, I fell asleep in my seat. Apparently, they couldn't find the defendant. Bitch, these people better take me off their list TONIGHT. Judicial system at work man.

Its so easy to love her, Im always staring at that bright smile and piercing eyes. Those sweet plump cheeks reminisxent of springtime plums. I still trip over the idea that Im in love withthe idea of her...But, I know there will never be a woman like her. Maybe my mind was misconstrued before, but now I can see a little clearer. I wonder if its too late.

Staring at social media all day makes my brain hurt. Everyone portraying a facet of nothingness to appear larger than life. It causes me to give myself many self-reflections to see if all my steps were wring or right. Too many labels and archtypical lifestyles. I guess thats why I love the oxy-moronical moniker "techno-hippie". Peace, love, ingenuity, progress.

I never thought I was free, but theres a sense of freedom in knowinh certain things. But still, I hunger for more. Not for what my eyes can see, but what is already lying in dormant sleep within me.

They were right. Freedom is simply a way of life. A daily practice to bathe in love and sunlight. Music that fits my life always finds its way to my deprived ears. Each passing moment feels like a carefully scripted movie. To most, this would be frightening. But to me, I welcome it. Theres a new sun, a dawn coming forth from its winter hibernation. I love it.

I only wish to stand beside myself in this silver dream.

It just baffles me...So many people seem to parrot what was laid before then thousands of years ago. For so long we've held to broken ideals that never even applied to life, and disregarded the things that actually work, and dismissed them as fictitious. I've but grown tired of pointing out the fallacies of life. I aim to see the perfections that sit crossways from me. Its come to the point where we're so afraid of progression and progress itself. Its as if its ingrained into us that all we know is war, pestilence, and foolishness of the straying of our hearts. As if we'll never see an end to this bullshit thats always painted in the illusions in front of us. Theres so much we don't know, and so much thats locked away in secret. 

I'm starting to get the feeling that if I ever want to start somewhere, I need to read the original texts in hebrew. If I'm to go anywhere in life, I have to start at the basis of protestant faiths, and even before that. I want to follow the silenced voices. I mean, afterall, they're the ones that beckon me the most.

I am in love with the essence of woman itself, for the one who visits me in my sleep, her face is unknown to me. All I have is my faith that God may shine light upon her once again.

I want to fall so deeply in love with the woman who visits me in my dreams...Her kiss feels too damn near.

How do you mend broken hearts? I only wished to see her have nights of peace and days of joy.  I got lost in a sea which was not my home... but I still wish to push her close to the sun's love. How do you give hope to the hopeless?

Never knew I'd ever play the part of the supervillain whispering sweet nothings into a lover's ear...

Who am I kidding, I just wish I could give so much more than what I can offer at the moment.
Me attempting to even explain it seems like such a daunting task.
I guess I really am too cliche for any of my emotions to mean anything.
I'm at the stage where I just want to dissappear and just induldge all my energy into my art, whatever my art is.

Thing is, I'm still so caught up on the many girls that came before her.
Still stuck on the girl who rests in another man's arms.
I know I should just let it all go and forget it, but something keeps pulling at me.
Damn, I don't even feel like writing poetry anymore. I'm done.
This blogging shit, I get tired of speaking whats not even really on my mind. I gotta keep most of it hidden.
Besides, it seems like the message I wanted to portray is spreading around nicely.
Feels like my part in the cosmic play is done. And now, just to breeze through the rest of it in silence.

I'm too busy trying to be superman when I forgot my cape at my homeplanet.

I swear everybody thought I was gonna be some neuro-theorhetical astrophysicist or some shit. Iunno.

I end up being a depressed high school dropout having a mid-life crisis at the age of 17.

I'm 19 now, and I ain't did a fucking thing with my life.

God...dammit.

Everyone is constantly on my mind, but Im so damn busy fighting theae conflicting voices, trying to find my way and what works for me without any outside influence. It sucks si bad to try and fake a smile these days to not worry anyone. Im ina world of pain, and it just wont stop sometimes. And when it does, its only for a split second.

I see you all... I hate how everything in me is so dormant and forced into silence. My old sickness was at least full of beauty and hope. It was a wellspring that simply did not have a bucket tied to the end.

This new sickness is likened to a neverending desert...

Institutional processed thought pitted against an eternal proceeding of all that is.
Conditioning pit against source.
The dry desert of lies against the wellspring of truth.

I feel like a whimsical faggoty jester twirling around like a retard coked up on drugs, playing musical instruments in his head.

I wonder if In the only one staring at the sun and seeing a world far from here.

And she'd only sigh, a slight tear in her eye as she'd reply "But I'm so in love with you and all that you are and stand for. Even if you do not love yourself. I am always with you, for I have nowhere else to go. Your heart is my home. Your wish is my command." I couldn't resist her loving kiss and the sweet embrace that followed.

And every time she visits me in my dreams, all I can say is "Youre too beautiful to love someone like me."

Days have come and gone. Andyet I have lied to myself when I say I dont learn daily. I am not alone even when I feel such. Love should be freely given. It is this oversexualized and perverted culture that promotes taking without giving. War and not liberation.  We have devolved into being fearful of even the "ideals" of love. So hidden even from our true nature. We dont even have a clue as to who we are. Its sad.

Where do I run to, where do I go.
Where do I belong, wither or thither does my heart long for.
To flow with the current is what some have professed, if only I was not so far away in the vastness of this space.

Oh where am I in this great void? Am I here, nor there, or far yonder?
Do I move, am I stagnant, or is each day but a mere passing in a grand test of patience.

Father, do you hear my call in all that I do before your watchful eye?
Or do you dismiss me as a foolish peasant amongst an endless sea of parched sands?

Was I really a fool for falling in love with you?
What was the point of all of that?
What was there to be learned from all of this?
I seemingly lost everything and gained nothing.

I only await the day that my life is fulfilled by the oncoming tides of what seems to lie in hibernation for me.
To drown in the spring's rains once again.

I gave all I can

Out of a thousand voices, a trillion whispers, theres only one that truly confounds me in my spirit. One that causes my wails and forgotten pains to cease, even for a minute. One that causes the forever to happen upon me in a single moment. A fire that burns voraciously within my bosom. Many others have spoken to me, telling me to look behind me. As I've turned I've seen nothing but voids of yesterday's mishaps, believings in nothingness itself. A primordial soup of disgust, chaos, and melancholy behavior. Yet all I can see is this veil that has been driven into my eyes of what I truly saw in my night's slumber. Dreams of places I have not visited to, yet have felt like home. Trees towering far above my imagination, with fruit the size of mine cranium. Dreams of flying far beyond the clouds, soaring into the ether realities of another realm. There is nothing that can withstain this hunger that has become my fuel. Nothing can replace even the sweetest nights in these dreamlands. Each dawn is a curse upon my troubled self as I walk through the plains, detailing of the sights from the night before, to those who care not for what my heart entails to. The forever love I felt within me, with an uplifting breeze towards heights far beyond the comprehension of man, angel, or any thing but infinitude itself. What I've seen, felt, and have experienced, is far beyond heaven, far beyond any possible explanation. It wasn't a dimension, it is complete seperate from the faculties thereof to this foolish happening. In one night, I saw the entirety of the universe at its dawning climax. The explosion that brought forth light, thought, existance, love, matter, energy, everything, was enough to put anyone in a catatonic state. I heard the very trumpets sound off as this reality was birthed into existance. I heard a voice boom from within that superheated core as it stormed off in two directions. Space, and time, intertwined in a marriage beyond our understanding. I have seen the fabric of life as it has become intertwined with all those I have happened across, and those whose faces my eyes haven't graced upon.

This reality, this falsified blight upon the souls of mankind, is but a resounding cosmic joke to those who truly live. I care not for anything, but for what money cannot possibly ascertain. My hunger is for what my mouth cannot bring to fruition into this long journey. Even as my life is but a breath in the cosmic winds, my breath brings forth much more than any dying word amongst the sordid hearts of lovers melded to an un-existance, living far from themselves. Even as I speak of what seems to be a multitude of things, there is a gnawing of my heart, seeking to rid me of what I wish to have given for so long. To speak of how, not what. How to abstain from a diminshed life, to see far beyond the veils of words and simplistic imagery. So many seek to ascertain titles as a means to determine self worth, but this is but a known fact in life. Many seek to epitomze themselves as leaders, yet will not follow the waking waters of roads paved in love. Many seek to be leaders, yet their minds are far lofted from truth, unbeknownst to them, that they blindly lead the blind to their own morbid hollowed portrayals of nothing.

Many have come before me, speaking to the life within myself, telling me of loves  wings. I have seen the faces of the living. Even as their bodies decompose as we speak, they are much more alive today, than of yesterday's midsummer madness. Those of old, have always spoken so freely to the lost souls of today's carpathian element. Drained slaves, slouched in front of their masters, clinging onto every empty speech and word. Their gods, with their sins tattooed upon their very souls, purging them of every sweet drop of purity right from the lungs of these deluded flesh clumps. So many have been reduced to comical caricatures of their true dwellings. Tis the most horrific occurence for a man to lose all that he is, in favor of the physicality. Losing the eternal, for complacent thoughts from the ascertaining of nothingness. These things shall come and go, speaks the echoes of many hearts that have come to you. These echoes have resounded long before even the dawns of great civilizations, detailing the foreverlasting truth of what love is.

I reminisce many dreams of a beautiful maiden dancing amongst the endless stilled waters of a forgotten sea. She poignantly pranced within inches of the waters, so freely and in complete bliss. She was arraigned with fabric sewn by the freedom clouds. Dark hair that stretched forth to the horizons, a face of beauty that cannot be found in any dimension, nor realm, nor thought, nor humane imaginatory place. Not even the heavens themselves could contain such a beautiful vision, and I've seen the doorsteps to the ether clouds. I've seen the throne of the mighty lover. I've seen the feet of love itself, as I kneeled before his immensive presence. I did not come on my own accord, but was invited to sit near my father. I hunger naught for this life, but simply for my father to lay his eyes upon my soul once again. He need not spake, nor move, but simply have eye to all that I am. I am likened unto a savage beast, roaming the lands for his next meal. But evenso, I only wish to drink of the free-flowing honey of life itself. What does the fruit of life entail? Gains that your hands can experience? Bah, let not contorted remarks discredit what is already placed upon thine lips. For all that you seek, is already hidden deep within the threads of your breath, you just choose not to see what is been here forever.

A woman's love can do more than part the seas of misery. As ye rest thine head against thy lover's bosom, hear the resounding drum of the roots of life.

My fellows, my words are all in vain. Those that we deem the greatest, whisper in the winds not to regard them, not to listen, yet they beg in our favor to the one that holds us in the eternity. And if anything, take not their words, but the waters of the depths that flowed so feverishly through the cracks of the shells from their lives. Breathe in and leave behind all that did not matter. Worry not for symbollic messages hidden in images and the like, for nothing can triumph against love. Nothing. If it does overcome, it was not of the infinitude. Find without seeking, for there is no reason to seek. All that life offers is yours freely. It is freely given. For what is not freely given, is not worth partaking. Define yourself not by what you are capable of, as a matter of fact, define not at all. Leave that to those of cerebral life. Continue on in the induldgence of heart-felt matters and what love brings thereof. Seek thine own depths. What men deem is matters beyond comprehension, is only common sense. Things of the "spiritual" sense are only common sense. Speak newly so that ye shall bring forth a new world. Isn't that just but basic common sense? How dare we allow ourselves to bathe in the entrails of a deadened horse and not see the beautiful forest clearing that surrounds us? What good does it do that we bathe in the dead acts of men and not see the light that bathes us?
Those we deem the greatest are not far from us at all. Even those whose spirits are free'r than the night sky, I have partaken in their highest points, and their lowest. I am but the infinitude, as ye all are as well. For we bear together in triumph, and in pain. We are those that give great wounds to ourselves, and we are those that bring the healing ointments upon famished skin and tongue. Bound together in nothing but love, and nothing shall prosper against thee. Nothing shall come across ye as an enemy. For even thine adversary shall lie down his sword in tear and agony and beg for thine forgiveness, for in hope, they shall see the truth in eternity. Forgiveness is your greatest weapon. Your greatest shield is love. All else matters not. Life, love, and all else, are but one. They are a resounding metaphor whose tail stretches to the far reaches of the universe, the dimensions thereof, beyond the veils, and to the infinitely small particles and base energies that confound our physical realm. Join in the eternal songs of what truly moves. Sit in thyself and see movement. See the threads of life surround its jaws upon victory's neck.

What men deem as "Chaos magicks" are simply the manipulation of the most tender energies of this reality by the will of it. That is the magic behind the human anima. That is the power that lies within all of us. "I think, therefor, I am.". I will it, so shall it be. My fellows, please will yourselves towards the greater that lives inside thineself. Even the most tedious and towering objectives could be conquered in a mere morn if ye so wish. The heart is able to perform much more than what the hands and mind could ever conceive. But because of the over-medicated and superficial devices of today's encompassing miasma of insanity, we have fallen far from our paths. Arise those that have chosen nothingness. See the truth of the warped void ye take part of. See the cursed bread that feeds the maggots upon your lying tongues. Abod from the physical, see fully the life embedded upon thine threads. It is meant for you. You deserve it fully for the sole fact that you are a child of infinity.
As true beauty lies in the eye of the beholder of all lives, look at your life through heaven's eyes. No such thing shall ever compromise the true worth hidden deep beneath the folds of thine heart.
There is a plane far beyond the confines of self, where all souls come to frollick and meet. Some come to dance above the waters, intertwined amongst themselves in helix forms, others drown beneath the depths of the seas of love. To those who have been blinded of this heaven, the lovers seem to have lost the flame of life in their tranced state, but watch as the rolling tides posess the limbs of lovers, forcing them against all impossibility to forgo the release of all that tenderness. Their hands gently caressing against a lover's cheeks, a kiss moved by love's progressive motions.

I dont like the phrase "I am." I am not one to speak for, or of myself. I wish for my life to speak wjst my lips cannot. If "
I am" anything, I am nothing.

Tonight, I got a first-hand account at how cruel this world can be...
But even in the midst of our pains, I also see how...life...pairs us with the right people for the right reasons.
Wether it be to give or recieve, you learn so much from even the dust in this life.

If we're all spiritual beings, born into a temporary physical existence, then why the fuck...Just...why the fuck.

A retelling of old tales. We are all Adams searching for Eve.

One of my main issues in my life is not knowing anything about myself. I don't know what the fuck to think of myself half the time. I don't know who or what I am. All I have are just small values of attempting to make this world a better place when I can, or even if I can. Just trying to make sure no one has to suffer or endure the mind torture that I did in my past.

I can't really define myself at all. I have my music, I have my dreams, But none of it seems to have any value really. I don't know where to go with them. Follow your dreams, but if I do, I'd have to die to go with them, or fall into a coma. I'm not necessarily confused, I just don't know how to go about life. How I'm supposed to live except in this present moment. I don't know whats in store for me, or even if theres anything out there for me anymore. My life is blank. And every attempt I take at trying to add color to it, is null and void. 

Maybe theres color in this spaciousness. I just can't see it yet.

Maybe everything already is, we just can't see it yet. Maybe its happening as we speak, but we can't see time in the correct formation.

"So empty like sky
Without any sun
Lotus blossum don't cry.
You and I were meant to be one.
And though we're apart,
It won't be for long.
I come to you in my song." -Michael Franks

I want to speak to someone, yet my mind is blank and my heart spacious.
Maybe my hands moved by the washing waters of love could speak much more than vain word.

I'm in love with a woman who's face is unfamiliar to me.
Her voice is but a whisper in my dreams.
Each song is an echo of her love for me.
Each iteration, each day is but her painting in the skies for my own eyes.
I beg for her to forgive me for the days I've spent inside, far from her heart.
I know she sees me, feels me, hears me, kisses me deeply at the drop of a thought.
But for some reason, I still question if she knows the weight of her little daydreams.

I wonder sometimes how I'd react if some of these celebreties actually walked into my life. What I would do, how I would react. Most of the time, I'd only see them as a human being, going through some of the same shit I'm going through. I wouldn't want to treat them any differently. Probably with a bit of respect, but just as much as I'd treat anyone. I mean...I wonder how I'd react if I'm just hanging on South Beach, and Kim K. decides to walk up to the shores next to me. I wouldn't really say much honestly. The things I concern myself with have no place in most people's minds. If Nujabes was there, I'd just jam to him playing his flute all day.
We wouldn't say a word but listen to the music our father would play before us.

Eddie Murphy? Probably just laugh at the sole fact that he's there. Prolly tell him to go back to comedy and stop doing kid's movies. Do his old acts and whatnot like he did for his RAW show.

So I'm playing Planetside 2, there was a huge update today...And my favorite gun was broken. I can't use most of my attachments that I earned out of fucking nowhere. But anyways, we're defending The Crown today, and I saw this guy who was a dead body, moving towards the fucking spawn point and shit. My brain fucking stopped. Then the body started flying upwards, and exploded, killing like 5 of our guys. I saw like 6-7 teamkills on the right side of my screen when it happened.

I don't know...what the fuck just occured. But this game feels like some free-to-play bullshit from some indie company that wants to troll the world with its severe autism.

Like...Fuck...This shit

Both of my parents have too many flaws. My dad is ex-military so of course he's hard-headed and straight-forward. But it sucks to hear depression in his voice. Him having to deal with bills and payments and shit.

I'm sitting here looking at both of my parents wondering why the fuck they hate each other so much after 19 years, and why they just killed themselves over nothing

TO achieve NOTHING.
Pursuing a dollar for no fucking reason whatsoever.

I mean sure, I got the best video games, all the systems, all the computers, but I lost my family. I lost my peace of mind. I'd rather throw all this shit away and live in the middle of a forest than to endure having all of this.

People tell me to be thankful for all of it, but this is nothing to be thankful for. That I lost the love of my family, because of their own internal angers.

I don't want to spend 30-40 years of my life doing bullshit in hopes of securing a future when my future is now. I don't want to do so IN HOPE that things will get better. I want to better myself now. I want to take steps to live NOW. I want to do all that I enjoy and love NOW. Not wait til later just because of this abnormal ass monetary system we've adopted that goes all against our true nature.

I think...If theres anything I can be thankful of, its to see the example that my parents placed in front of me, telling me what the fuck not to do in my life. What not to pursue. But man...I wish I knew what I'm supposed to do.

She wears her long hair like a winter coat.
I see her staring out the window of that coffee shop awaiting the day of her soul mate's face to be revealed to her once again in this life.

I truly await the day for at least one to hear the rolling waters of my heart, my voice is but silenced within me, someone arouse the hibernating bear so that he may greet the coming spring tides. Set me free.

Never mistake the key to the city for the key to life.

Wondering eyes peering so deeply into that great beyond, hungering lips with a deep desire to bite, a cosmic game of tug-o-war between two hearts. We always wonder who shall win between the two, thinking there must be seperation, but they are one. That sweet wave of running closer, and drifting apart. Tis but life.

Maybe I'm just angry and lost with no self control. Maybe I'm the one to blame. And if so, I wonder what the course of action is to go about it to fix things.

Man. After everything is said and done, she says she wants me in her life, but won't put any type of effort in trying to contact me. My phone calls and rings fall on deaf ears. She wants me to talk to her and stay in her life, but I don't ever recieve any type of feedback. I feel as if I wated 8 years of my fucking life, trying to work for something that wasn't there. I feel as if I wasted 8 years of my life trying to build something up with someone that seemingly doesn't want anything to do with me. Like, the shit sucks.

My heart hurts so much, and I'm just sitting here wondering why all this had to come down this way.
I loved that girl, and each night do I see her in the arms of someone else, rehashing old words that were said.
She reminds me that I was first, but it sure as hell doesn't feel that way anymore.
I'm trying to keep an open mind and an open heart, for God's sake, hoping that I can at least salvage something, but the more I keep looking at it, the more I want to throw it away and start anew with someone else.

The trust we had seems far gone. The connection we had seems like it was just yesterday's dream.
Don't call me perfect to my face, saying I'm such a good person, when you're sitting there wrapped in his arms. This life is so backwards. I'm over it and I'm ready to move on. Only reason I called back because that little voice in my head said you needed me when my whole body said to just run away. You really don't need me, and its evident. Don't do anything to or for me just because you feel like you owe me something.

I've been through this too many times before. Don't say you want to be friends with me at the end of it all, but show no effort to at least keep this boat afloat.

I tried. And I tried hard. I was willing to do things no one would ever even catch me doing just for you. Just to secure a future for you and me. Just to quell all those fears you and I both had. I was willing to do all that.
All of this, all of what you put me through, drastically changed my opinion on women. Like...badly.

And at the end of it all, I'm still willing to take blame and responsibility too.

Thine heart is what I hunger for, like a deranged beast, hung on a leash, chained to hell's madness.

I feel the hate and I keep asking... Why do they think I'm the pretentious faggot? 

I just wanna see my team do good. I ain't even got a team no more.

Matter of fact, I just want everyone with clear minds, clear eyes, and open hearts.

Wayyy too much people can't see behind that curtain. 

Behind them cameras.


-chuckles- Its funny because just yesterday, I didn't even see any beautiful girls worthy of themselves.
Now they're just trickling out the woodworks into my life. Damn...A nigga's getting a car tomorrow, and I had an entire day of feeling that warm peace. Springtime is coming. I'm just wondering when I can shine the light on whats goin on.

So many options, Just waiting for more open doors.

I plucked the red rose that now lies in my heart now wilted.
But damn, I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the entire forest and meadows full of tulips and a myriad of other beautiful flowers.

Damn...

Love at first sight? Hell yes I believe it. Stare deeply into the eyes of someone. Set yourself deep in that stillness and arouse the waters that lie so dormant. Boom...

Too many people shift the focus on themselves when they recieve the energy from being a focal point in the universe.

Let us not lose course deifying ourselves into a falsified godhood.

To be a god is a denial of self for those around you.
To become like the dust to uplift the low and teary-eyed.
We speak so much about having the power.
Lets use it for once.

Profit is their Prophet.

Does that woman, oh so beautiful with waterflowing hair...
Does she hear the trumpets of my resounding heart?
It seems as if all I have is the hope that she hears.

My obsession, my life...

Listening to the Maplestory soundtrack, remembering all the times I had as a kid playing free to play games and having fun with all the people I met. All of them so dear to me. I feel so sad now because I know I'll never have great experiences like that. The internet, online-communities, and gaming communities have become so diverse, hateful, spiteful, and god-awful. No one is willing to share such great and intense friendships that are so close and dear to the heart as we used to. I felt as if I was sucked into another world just hanging out with my friends that didn't feel so far as everyone else thought they were.

For a very long time, my best friends were always on the computer. I never had a reason to really go outside and explore the world around me. Everything feels as if its gone to shit. The games I used to play have been destroyed or changed dramatically to bring in more players. When I was younger, games felt like they were catered to the gamer, not the consumer. Now everything is focused on the "Casual gamer" and their hipster bullshit. My reason for playing retro games is not for the nostalgia, but for the experience they offer compared to the gritty near-realistic shit we have today. There were entire worlds created for me to enjoy and experience. And they were much more skill-based. I can barely play any of those old SNES games because of how much I've been dumbed-down by modern games. I feel as if my mental capacity has been reduced. Maybe I should play some more Brood War.

I guess I'm being forced to realize that I do have to go outside and explore "The Real World"

"BUT ITZ DANGEROUZ"

No, thats not my argument. My argument is the fact that everyone has turned into a gray mush of puddingfuck and catastrophic mind-boggling insanity. There are very few people that I've come across that have a flavor to themselves. And by god, I had to use the internet to find them.

Just because I live in Miami, everyone tells me to go to the club. To try and jam to music I don't like, surrounded by people I can't stand, trying my best to just enjoy the night. So many people take my comments as being elitist or "IM BETTER THAN THESE PEOPLE." Yer goddamned right I'm better than what they choose to do, not who they are as people. I love myself too much to put myself into that type of situation to degrade myself. Grinding myself against a random girl I have never met before does not bring me joy. It feels wrong. "BUH GWEG. WHAT ABOUT THAT WHOLE LISTA OTHA SHIT U BE DOIN."

Bitch, fuck you. I do what I want. If I want to go have a couple drinks at a jazz club and listen to people recite bullshit poetry, then lemme do me. I've been through the whole phase of trying to change people and shit. Fuck man, I get so tired of complaining and not being able to just do what I want to do. Matter of fact, I don't even know what I want to do. In short term or long term goals. I have none. Don't really care for anything. All I got are these dreams, trying to chase after a fairytale that I know ain't real.

Its days like these that make you just want to throw everything at the wall, do all the drugs you can find, and hope to God you make it to heaven as you lay down in your death bed. What more is there to this life? Do I just run after the status quo? I only feel good staring at art. Being able to see into the mind of someone else, to see the complex structures they create, the colorful worlds that contrast so greatly from this one we live in. But games today are like a wake-up call to show us how fucked up our lives are. How un-colorful, boring, violent, and shitty this life is.

What can we do to change it? How do we fix it?

I had so many friends and people tell me that I'm the problem. I'm the center of it, complaining.

I wonder how deaf they were, because they seem to not remember me asking 24/7 "How do we fix it...What can I do to make a difference. How do I be happy. Do I accept the bullshit around me? Or do I change it? And if I want to change it, how do I?"

Its gonna take much more than shitty charity organizations that steal money to fix this world.

My city ain't safe no more. Years ago, it was never like this. Or maybe I was just blind to it.

http://www.miamiherald.com/2013/03/02/3263449_p2/shootings-hit-close-to-home-for.html

Just wish I had a chance to show what I'm capable of.
But...even if I got the chance, everything I have to offer isn't of value to anyone.

Ahhh Hohs-nayru-ber-ruphie.

Instead of asking if you're the girl I saw in my dreams, maybe I should start asking if she's WILLING to BE the one I saw.

I'd rather dive into the wellspring of her life, than to dive into questions about her.

To drink of her lips, rather than contemplating if she's willing to share a kiss with me.

The boldness of a lion shouts forth from my heart, I know she hears my roar.

He felt.
She felt.
Skin unconditionally close, flying through the galaxies on the wings of the eternal host.

Time, physical placement, that all meant nothing.
What they experienced together, only they know.
But evenso, they remain speechless in such a endeavour.
So close, they feel the rushing huffs and puffs as they lie in seperate beds.

He was like Dhalsim, reaching halfway across the world for her love.
And yet, she anxiously awaits his next arrival.

"Hurry don't be late. I can hardly waiiiiit, I said to myself when we're oooold."

Her: "I wish I could stare up at the nights sky, wrapped in your arms, watching the stars dance forever, in the middle of nowhere with you."

Me: "I wish I could too, but I'd be too busy staring into your eyes, hungering for your lips."

Everything feels like a DDOS attack to the heart. Where truth stems from.

As the night skies lay their rest upon my eyes, I see her gazing at me from afar in the midst of her daylight. We seem to be so far from each other, but her nearness brings warmth.

Stigmatizing sex.
Stigmatizing love.
Stigmatizing life itself.

After the stigmatas, then comes the perjury and perversion of all that is pure.

God fucking dammit, everything is so stigmatized. Every fucking thing. The only things that aren't are obedience and small mindedness. Its as if its all enclosed to turn you into willing slaves. Providing you no other options because you were so willing to not think outside the coffin.

Too many puppets who are strung to wrong puppetmasters. The right puppetmasters are liberating shepards. Be vigilant on who and what you allow to be head over your life. Recieve the diadem of life which is your birthright. Its crazy how racism runs so deep.

I cant even like a white girl with curves without receiving flack from people on both sides. Like In a stereotype for falling in love with someone. I feel so alien around people because of all this chicken and watermelon bullshit. I feel like I have to hide entire aspects of who I am as a person these days.

People always say theyre so surprised to find out Im black after.they see me. They say i write or portray myself as white when I just carry a certain vernacular. Im a poet. Its my thing. I love the beauty of being able to express myself in such a colorful way.

What really sucks is being labelled gay or homosexual because I have a more open heart than most men. Its like being emotionless robots is the new thing. Nobody loves themselves enough to not degrase themselves, and people dont reallize how hard they perpetuate the stereotypes as well as the racist attitude that has almost become one with our society.

Think about it. I cant live in certain countriesb because of my color. I have tp research how people in that area feel about peoplw of color. As if Im some alien creature frol the nethervoid.

I swear to youand everyone that does and doesng read this blog, yohre human and you matter. You are important. Even if you die tomorrow,live your life fod the bestof yourself and live peacefully with all those you come across. The hands of your heart in silence perform mucb more than anyone could even begin to partake in the fathomry of such.

I have simply grown tired of beong the puppet, the dancing monkey, the boackface fool fpr everyones entertainment. I want to live freely, to love freely without worry cor trivial bullshit and differences.

Its a race thing because it was made this way. You might think all these black men and women on TVare successful, but thays the biggest lie. Trust me. Do what you do, whats meamt for you, what your heart whispers for.

-via Mobile

( i hate touchscreens and having big hands)

I see everything that stemmed from people of color being perverted and perjuried into a cash cow. From theology, to music. Pythagorean theorem was an ideal stolen from the egyptians. Shit reminds me of FLCL when Medical Mechanical planned to iron out the creases in the world.

I reminisce over the daydreams I shared with her. We were in the midst of a spacious void littered with star sparkles. As we looked out from the window of our space station, my hand clasped with hers as we shared a kiss that surged greater than the oceans. It feels all like a tailored dream from a lonely bastard who never had a chance. Or as if that chance has come and gone already. -sighs- Only time will tell.

Every moment that passes, I hear a little voice screaming "I'm not from here. I'm not from here. I'm not from here." As if its a reminder about something. I don't fit. I just don't fit. People take my thinking as me being narcissistic or egotistical, but I'm the one feeling subhuman or...alien. Its all....so outlandish. And at the end of everyday, I sit alone staring at the red rose that haunts me.