Even if I had the girl of my dreams, would I still be able to put a genuine smile on my face?
I lost way too much over the years for me to even think anything lasts forever.
Some of the brightest souls I've ever seen are dead and gone.
Everyone asks "Watchu want for christmas?" And the only things that run through my mind are what money can't bring back.

Video games, speakers, Sure I guess. Just some new headphones and something to numb the pain for a couple of minutes. Maybe a shot to the dome and a morphine drip.
Wish I could return to the blissful ignorance of my youth, because you gotta be dumb to be happy in the world we're living in.

The color of life has been whitewashed, and that diamond that lustered in the sun was just fool's gold.

Work for what you eat, but I'm still trying to find a reason to live. Guess I'm still living for the people around me, but I've been alone for longer than I can remember.

Wish I could give much more than encouraging words or pictures and writings of my dreams. They hold no value in the hearts of today nor tomorrow.

I've long forgotten what a midnight sky once tasted like. I hear them calling... The stars up above, searching for my eyes so they may perform their celestial dance once again. In every song do I hear the sirens soar far across the ceilings of my mind, bringing me once more to lands long forgotten. I return to the shore of eternity once more to find bliss, yet I feel only sorrow as I wish to share the unhindered beauty stored that seemingly only I can see. Am I alone in this? I am unsure... But how would I be able to verify if nary a soul is near me at the moment? Maybe they are, I hear their bustling voices time and time again, yet I attribute it to my insanity from constant lonesomeness.

This whole year... This whole year has been a true hell for me. Ever since my girl left me last year, I never experienced bullshit like this. My friends... they all died on me, everybody died on me. Depressive wave after depressive wave. From the fear that I might get a bomb dropped on my head, to the constant paranoia that someone is looking at my every move, determining if I am fit for society or not. I gave all I could to the people around me, and... I just... its just all kinds of hell for me. I've never felt so cold in my life. From my brother getting shot, to my dog dying that same fucking week, to having people I thought had my back lie to my face saying they would help me. The constant ups and downs of me thinking I'm moving out with an oppurtunity to restart, to them not even trying to give me any update on what the fuck is going on. Over 200 dollars have been stolen from my home, and each day I have less and less resolve to go on.

How do you tell someone you want to die so that you can finally give rest to all the unecessary bullshit? How do you tell them to not force them into pity, but for them to feel enough of your sorrow that they may extend a hand to you? There is no escape from this. She wants to be just "friends", but I say fuck a goddamned friend. When I needed her most, her words in anger towards me were "I hate you."

I can no longer see the luster and light in life. And there are none that care to hear or see my plight. So called christians only look at me with vitriol. No cry for help can reach their ears.

I write this as the constant internal meltdown proceeds forth to dissipate my immediate reality. The constant agony of reiterating what it simply no longer there. What I thought to be the most beautiful occurence will never take place. So I sit back and ask constantly "Why? Why why why?" Why did I say half the things that I said? If there was something to be learned from this, I only learned to stay even more silent. But this supposed shutting up of all of my doors only brings me decay. Where is he that relieves souls of their burdens? For in this hour, he is not with me. I do not blame him, for my own sins are too great to be washed away. My insanity, my home away from home as I'd like to call it. The worlds I'd create within myself. No one was really there except her, but even she has left me.
I do not blame her...

My mind is no longer good. And where there once was great light and soul, only exists some blackened hole. I cannot move, I cannot seem to proceed. But what does it matter? To have not just lost some woman or dumb broad, but to have lost what brought forth color into a colorless world, to have lost what brought life to the music that would dance towards my ears.
What a torment I endured this year where I've but destroyed what little chances I had to escape and rebuild. Now all I can do is beg for a quick death, to finally lay myself to rest in ease. These sorrows are but too great for my diseased-ridden self to bear. And any of those who say they can see what is truly moving inside of me, only see what they wish out of me. It is but lies and treachery... Or so I think... How did I become so cold?... It is truly unlike me to think this way at all, but nigh impossible to cleanse myself of these mindsets.

We always hear of the easy sayings that proceed from a rotted mouth of how to live and so on and so forth, but none can care to give comment to the man that calls for God in his most dire hour. What of the man that suffocates in his debts, who has lost all those he called brother? Why do we not shed light on that man who gives his supplication to the heavens above? I only sigh when I say that I have prayed fervently that I may be given rest in the death of my body at these times. I hear no answer from that ancient voice, but I do not blame him... Lonely I am, or so it seems, but it is so.  Everything but constants of paradoxical contradictory occurrences. Up, down, up down, left, orange, green, red, blue... Just drifting into the menagerie of insanity. Every emotion but a color, a new string to pull that abruptly strips the tendons of my wings from their sockets.
The constant impalement of lie/truth and truth/lie, double edge swords that plagued this world. One side covered in honey while the other is dipped in venom. "His name is YAHUAH! No, His name is AHAYA! No, his name is YAHWEH!" And all I wish to say is "Where in the fuck is my papa? Where is my mama?..." I am the child who was cast far form the sight of the heavens, but I do not blame my brothers and sisters for their actions. Look at the depths of my broken heart, see all that I am. I bare myself naked, yet covered in shame before your eyes. I beg of you to let me drown in love's rivers once more.... Or to simply let me drown. I can no longer bear the weight of this world upon my disfigured shoulders.

"You are beautiful, You are the greatest friend, you are amazing." All but lies... they could never see the deranged beast that lurks behind my bloodshot eyes, the constant self-question of whether or not I manipulate those around me. Am I a sociopath hell-bent on destroying the lives of those around me? If I am, then I push myself to remain in my broken vow of silence. The rains that once soothed me in the night, are likened to the blood flow of a scorching Earth, forcing my flesh to dissipate before my eyes.
"Write of your pains, write of your pains! Dance for me you insignificant fool! I command you to dance you minstrel!" I am but sub-human in the eyes of this world, a creature not worth mention.