Woke up feeling mighty weird today...I can actually...see again. It's weird though... I woke up wanting to do so much today, clean my room and call my dad, but...Now I'm sitting here paralyzed into just listening to music.

Welp...I guess I finally allowed myself to come to the realization that I'm in a very sick environment.
For a very long time, the same people that decided to coke me up on anti-psychotics and forcefeed me the bullshit that I was mentally ill for so long, now have the tenacity to tell me "I don't believe you're bipolar." as an excuse not to get me treatment, or as an excuse for me to not pursue what they dream for me in my life. Its very hard for me to...accept or even believe that these people "love" or care for me, or if they just do everything out of a reactive guilty conscience. I'm unsure. I really don't have time for all these mindgames as I'm steady trying to figure out who I am because people wanted to take and think for me for so long.

Its as if I never had the chance to actually be myself in so long that...I can't even remember what makes me, me.

I'm in a real...fucked up situation. I try so hard to do anything and theres always something telling me that I do best when I don't try. To just flow. But its so hard to just let everything go. I always feel as if life is slipping me by as I'm watching everyone live and I'm slowly dying. I wanna get up, go out there and get it, but it all doesn't seem like its meant for me. Like it won't contain me.

All I can remember was constantly being placed in comparison with the people around me. I want to forget old habits, pitting myself against everyone around me. I hate it. Damn its so difficult just TRYING to be myself.