I'm just waking up right now, and the worst memories decide to flow right into the back of mine cranium. Way back in middle school, especially 6th grade, was a torrential period in my life. I had hell issues at home that were tearing me and my family apart, I had to deal with going to a new school, surrounded by a bunch of people with completely different mindsets than they had from the previous year. Everyone was trying to impress someone. Trying to be something they weren't. I was having a huge identity crisis, and found it was entirely difficult to communicate with everyone. It was fuckin bad. As most of you know, I went to Ammons middle school for about a year and a half before I got kicked out and placed in a program for- Lets not go into detail about all that :3.

Anyways, just the thought of this girl I used to really like back in the 6th grade came to my mind. I remember the dumb shit I used to do to try and tell her I liked her. She knew, yet decided to play around with my head like everyone else was doing at the time. It was heartbreaking really. Fast-forward a couple years later, I tell my supposed best friend about the girl, just to get shit off my chest and get over a couple things that were really bothering me. I would've never guessed the bastard would actively get in contact with the girl and start flirting with her. Fast forward 2 weeks later, he was adamant in rubbing it in my face who he was talking to, going so far as to pull out his iPhone to show me her pictures to confirm if it was her or not. When I saw her, I... was crushed a bit inside. But at the same time, I knew I shouldn't have felt wrong because I knew nothing was going to happen between me and her, and even though I still "liked" her, she was old news pretty much.

I used to enjoy doing the crazy shit I did back in my teenage years. One night, he brought up the idea to go and chill at her house the next morning and whatnot. I thought in my mind it was a chance to reconcile and apologize for acting the way I did years ago. Who I was in middle school, or who people thought I was, was just a shell of pain and torture. Everyday I'm striving to shed off all the things that keep my mind under the weather. Its a constant undertaking. Every single second I have to deal with trying not to judge every single movement, every single world I say, every single action I take as to not try and offend someone, or come off the wrong way. It really got to me because a lot of my friends said I was an arrogant know-it-all. It  hurt quite a damn bit to hear people say that. But anyways, I ended up pulling an all nighter that time. It was easy because I wasn't going to school at the time, and all I did was stay on the computer. I'd sleep all day and stay up all night. Slept at...12 PM, woke up at 8 PM. We drove to The Falls and hung out there, walked around for a bit to kill time before the girl called us to come over. Long story short, it was the most awkward and painful experience in my life. I didn't say a word as he was playing his cards right with her. I just sat there trying to do away with my mindset, telling myself "Well, let the player play. She never was yours to begin with, you never had a chance, you two don't click. Just let him do his thing." The funny thing was...The moment I saw her, and we exchanged hellos (That were the only things we said to each other after so many years. Not a big surprise.), I looked into her eyes and saw that she's been through way too many changes. Wrong changes into becoming a creature I couldn't love. A creature devoid of love and beauty. A creature caught up in the excruciating world that we glorify daily. A world that corrupts and does away with life itself. I looked into her eyes, and saw only death. Alcohol. Drugs.Sex.Bullshit. Thats what I saw. I saw nothing but an oil thick filth.

So guys. Guess what happened a week later? My supposed "Best friend" and the girl fucked, and he decided to tell the whole group about his victory over the pussy. I was angry for a split second, but then I saw that image in my head. That darkness. I don't hate the girl. I just sometimes wish I could've taken her under my wing to show her what more there is to a heart than a fool's desire for whats between her legs. But it doesn't work like that. The last time I did that( I've done it over a flungtrazibillion times), the girl ended up running away from me because she was so not used to someone actually asking her what the fuck she felt about things. "How was your day? You feeling alright? Wanna talk about it? I want to hear whats on your mind." I wasn't playing a "best friend" card, I genuinely cared about what the fuck was going through her numbskull head. Later found out it was nothing but popping mollies and drinking. And don't get me wrong thinking this just happened recently with this whole molly craze.  This was...approximately 2-3 years ago now.

Welp...Now to go and pray that God brings me a couple cigars so I can enjoy my 2 hours of sunlight.