So I made a huge mistake at attempting to make two adsense accounts by accident. Now I'm permanently disbarred from using Adsense on my google accounts. Well I guess I have to muster up the strength to go to MDC tomorrow and submit this application for the IT program. Not that its something I really want to do, but my parents are backing me into a corner and I have no choice. Each passing moment, I'm feeling less and less of myself. Emotionless almost. Its as if something is just sapping everything away from me, and I'm left iwth nothing but broken memories and dreams that I can't readily understand. All I really have is this huge gray area of not knowing anything. It should be liberating according to the "Great spiritual leaders" and all that, but its a prison for me. I want life to give me something to work with so I can usurp my life into that one thing and be able to pioneer something. Not just for myself, but for everyone. But I feel as if its an unrealistic standard that everyone around me expects me to live up to. I know alot of people will disagree with that statement, but its true. Alot of friends have told me time and time again that I should write a book, but I have nothing really to say. Alot of others have told me I should start my own religion, but that would be a complete annihilation of myself.

There...really is no one to blame but myself for all this. I see now more than ever how I've not only become the villain I tried so hard not to become, but how I was always the wrong one. I tried so hard to run from this realization with a myriad of lies, thinking I was doing so much for everyone else, when it feels as if I stole so much from those I held dear. The doing away with all that I am felt like it was the only measure that could cure the disease I laid to this world. I am afraid to speak of whats really on my mind, because I don't wish to scare anyone.

I remember the night I almost drowned in that lagoon at the party. I remember as I was clammering up to try and get my head above water. And I remember sinking down one final time, accepting death. Accepting that I wouldn't meet half the people I "should" have in this lifetime. I accepted that I wouldn't be able to see the one I loved. I accepted that...maybe it was right for me to pass away. That my death might bring some peace to those around me. It was a peaceful state. Probably the most peace I've ever had in my entire life, just accepting those last moments. Then I saw the woman I loved crying at my funeral in a black dress. That one powerful image was enough to propel me above the water, and scream for help. Call me a wuss, a sissy, a bitch, or anything if you want to, but a girl half my size was able to help me to the shorelined edge. Another friend of mine caught on quick and was able to help her drag me to there as well. I had to hang onto the edge for about a good 10-20 minutes because my arms and legs were completely locked up in cramps. I couldn't move at all.

Its weird looking back on it, because the more I see my life now, the more I think I broke the universe. The more I think I should've died that night. I should be taking my life much more seriously, doing all the things I love, but there is really nothing I care for. Each day is spent trying to reach for an idea, trying to ascertain what the fuck I should do, but nothing comes to fruition. Each day is a battle, fighting myself. Fighting this loneliness that I've endured for far too long. But I'm from another universe, another time. I feel subhuman, sub par around others. Even amongst friends do I feel as if I'm stranded on one of pluto's moons with nothing but a blanket and a telescope, watching the world pass me by in its beautiful dance.

Each day I wish to cry, but the tears only rest upon the tresses. What type of singularity have I become?